secrets

I’ve read all of the PostSecret books by Frank Warren. They fascinate me. They depress me. It’s like trying to avert your eyes from a trainwreck, I suppose. You just can’t rely on people to share quirky, silly, happy secrets.

But still, I read them. I guess I’m attracted to truth, no matter what shape it takes.  I am reminded of that old cliche…

"Curiosty killed the cat"

My curiosity lead me to something, a few years ago, that would change everything. There’s no way, really, for me to tell you about what happened, in anything less than a novel. I don’t really want to talk about it, because in most ways, I’ve moved past it.

This is the entry where I give in and talk about the pain I’ve been wrestling with.

I was reading someone else’s diary,  and they had an entry full of people leaving secrets. Two of the secrets bothered me, because they sum up my greatest fears. I know the secrets were not left by anyone I know. They are not, in fact, about me…

But it hurts me that I still believe they could be about me.

Here are the secrets:

1. I am more in love with a girl that I have never met than I am with my girlfriend

 

2. I hate him more and more each day for choosing her over me, and I secretly wish their relationship will fail. I wish I had the strength to tell him that I no longer wish to speak to him, but I want to be there in His life for her to see that she isn’t the only woman in his life and that I am still a part of his life no matter their situation. I would have given anything to be with him, but at the same time, he never made the effort….I don’t know why I keep hoping that he’ll one day realize what he could have had and come back to me……I’ve known him for 5 years and have never even met him…. 

 

The first persons secret sums up my fear that my boyfriend…excuse me…fiancee could have at one time said that.

The second persons secret….I imagine it could have been written by a good friend of his from before we knew each other.

_____________________________________________________

I met my love when I was 18 years old, and he was 20.  That was nearly 5 years ago. True love doesn’t make an appointment. It walks into your life when it is good and ready, whether you are prepared for it or not. Neither of us are perfect. Maybe we weren’t equipped to balance other friendships with our new relationship. Maybe we were immature. We have made a few mistakes, some bigger than others. There are mistakes he has made that I will never understand. But I have made a decision never to air those mistakes in public. Never to go into a rant or discuss details if he does something to hurt my feelings or make me mad, etc. It just wouldn’t be right to put negative things into words, when I’ll never be able to put all of the amazing, wonderful things about him into words.

For all the mistakes that were made, we somehow made it through when most people would have given up. We stuck together. I found forgiveness in my heart for him, and it was worth it. He found the desire to change. I have made some changes as well. We have both learned and grown so much. I am not the same person I was when we met, and neither is he. We are lucky that through all of this, we have grown together, instead of apart.

I am lucky to havesuch an amaxing man as a best friend, a lover, and truly, the other half of my very self.

But true heartbreak can never be reasoned with, or rationalized away. It’s frustrating to me that something he did so long ago can still hurt. I don’t want him to see the pain in my eyes, because I know it hurts him too.  I don’t want to punish him anymore.  He apologized whole heartedly. He stopped talking to her. It was ages ago. It’s ancient.

I think I might have to break my own rule, and really open up about some things on here. Whenever something has really bothered me, the best way I have found to sort things out in my head…is to just start writing. Eventually, it all comes together, and makes sense, and I know what to do with myself.

Make no mistake, I’m not complaining. In fact, I’m happier now probably than I’ve ever been. I spent alot of time in my teen years feeling sorry for myself, being depressed, and complaining. I don’t waste my time with that anymore. I am thankful for all of the blessings I have been given.  I appreciate everything.

That’s why this leftover pain feels like yesterdays news. I’ve heard it before. I’m bored with it. I have no use for it. I’m ready for it to leave my system. There is no reason to feel this way anymore.

As for now, I need to get some rest. My contacts are getting dry and it’s hurting my eyes.  I’m sorry, once again, about the aimless wandering train of thought I’ve assaulted you with.

I’ll have the perfect poem to share with you tomorrow, I promise. 🙂 

goodnight all!