Listen, do you want to know a secret? Do you promise not to tell?

I can’t stop thinking about Vickie’s words in her most recent texts. 

I don’t know why Roger won’t just say he’s sorry and end my emotional torment.

I almost can’t live with the fact that I gave him 15 years of my life and I meant so little to him that he one day stopped speaking to me and never looked back.

I struggle with that, and find myself wondering how he could do that to someone he even remotely cared about at one time, let alone loved as much as I thought he did me. 

And every single time I have reached out to him, he shares what I wrote with her, as if my angry email proves to her that I’m not a threat and he has to rub it in her face to get her going. He uses my love as a weapon to hurt her. Or keep her in line. I’m not sure which it is. 

I know I need to accept the fact that he’s never going to speak to me again. If I don’t accept this fact, I’m going to do lasting emotional damage to myself.

I wrote to him and I said I hoped he died alone. I said that in anger because I am about to realize an even greater fear than being unaware of his eventual death. Now, I must accept the fact that he is going to die without ever having spoken to me again. After 2 years of silence, this fact is undeniable.

The memory I will have of the man I loved the most will forever be one of hurt and bitter, painful rejection. I’m nothing. My memory is nothing. I didn’t matter enough to him to even say goodbye. 

I think this is the most painful part of it all, the knowledge that he’s going to leave it this way and the final fuck you might be more than I can emotionally handle.. 

Bottom line: He doesn’t care about his life as much as I care about his life. 

Vickie said he lied and tried to protect my identity from her until the bitter end. I don’t know why he cares about her hurting me, because nothing she can do to me could hurt me more deeply than what she’s already done, or him either for that matter. 

This woman he chose to replace me with can call me anytime she wants, to complain and threaten and put fear into me by saying he can’t breathe and is going to die, and oh, how she revels in my panic and worry. She says it to torment me. 

I have laid awake for weeks now, and the last thing I do before I go to sleep is ask God to let me hear his voice one more time. To not let him die with angry words being the last ones we said to each other. 

I don’t understand MYSELF why I cannot let this GO. I don’t understand WHY I love someone that treated me so badly in the end, and according to her, throughout our entire relationship, especially when I have a man that loves me with all his being and is the most unselfish and loving man I have ever encountered. The other day, he told me that he never wants to do anything that could make him lose my love.  His main focus is making me feel loved and secure. 

I have THAT, yet I still yearn to have made a mark on someone else’s heart.

I wish I had a dollar for every time Vickie has told me Roger loves me.

I’d be rich.

But..

I would stash all my dollars away, just in case I ever got the opportunity to trade them all to hear HIM say it again.