Every breath you take
For whatever reason, Roger is letting his girlfriend call me whenever she damn well pleases.
Like one o’clock this morning.
She accused me of sending him angry emails.
Oh I admit, I’ve sent some pretty rageful emails, but not lately.
She said he’s “manipulated her phone” and “lied through his teeth to protect my identity.”
Well, Vickie, here’s the 64 thousand dollar question… .
Why the fuck does anyone need to KNOW my identity? For WHAT purpose does anyone need to know my identity?? OH, maybe to threaten me or blackmail me? If you mean me no harm then why the hell does it matter if you know my damn name?? You only want it for some kind of sick leverage you can use against me for whatever it is that you perceive I’ve done to you.
I don’t know what kind of emails she thinks I’m sending or maybe she isn’t checking the date they were sent. But even if I DID send an email, does he no longer have privacy? Does every single thing he does have to go through her first? What the hell is he doing reading her ANYTHING that came from me? Is he trying to make her jealous??
And if so, why?? She actually accused me of having a part in “this” and lmao I don’t even know what “this” IS. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.
She went to great lengths to get him and now she’s got buyer’s remorse. I don’t know why she wouldn’t go straight to his wife or ex or whatever she is now instead of coming for me.
So yeah, she said she meant me no harm, but followed that up by saying if she wanted to hurt me she would have done it already. She made sure I knew it was still an option.
And just when I thought she could not get any meaner, she topped her own record and told me something is bad wrong with Roger’s breathing and even after everything he’s done to me, I slept not one wink wondering how bad a case of COPD he has from ingesting the smoke of caustic chemicals.
Of course he can’t breathe.
He’s sucking pure toxins into his lungs.
She says I can have him back now and that he’s a liar. I tried to inform her that he may BE a liar, but he’s NOT being a cheater. At least not with me.
The note she ended on?
She said I need to stop “guilt tripping” him.
I didn’t know my anger invoked guilt in him. I don’t think it does, or he would keep his thoughts about me private. I didn’t want him to feel guilty. I wanted him to feel empathy and apologize to me for how he hurt me but it isn’t about me anymore.
She is hurting, so she wants me to be in the same boat as her.
She said I have been “dishonest” from the start and of all the things she said, that one baffled me the most. Why? Because I did not bust into her world like the Kool aid man on a hot day to destroy everything she believed in and loved.
No, she did that to me.
I called my own lover’s phone back then, not knowing she was his new person and she assaulted me verbally every time I tried to reach him. She was the gatekeeper and I had to ask HER to speak to him. She monitored everything! I was clueless of her presence and she despised me for loving him.
I have never lied. Just because I did not tell her who the hell I was does not make me a liar. Omission does not make me a liar and I don’t like being labeled as such.
To whoever asked me why I can’t put this shit to rest and close this chapter of my life… I thought I needed an apology to be able to do that. I was hanging on to the hope that maybe a part of me could reclaim my ego if he would just be sorry.
But you can’t make someone sorry. Just like you can’t make someone feel guilty about something THEY did.
I do not have the power to make Roger feel guilty.
But I wish I had the power to breathe life back into him.
I fear he will die and I will live with the painful memory of never having said goodbye…without ever hearing his voice again.
She said he is sick and my heart already knew that. She told me he is mine to “fix.” I can’t fix someone that ran to the end of the earth to get away from me.
Every breath that man takes steals one of my own. He is embedded in every fiber of my being and it’s gonna be that way until the very last time his chest rises.
I just hope when he is no longer breathing…
I still can.