20/20 vision

Ok, maybe NOW I can put it to rest.

 

Instead of getting an apology to avenge my shattered ego, I got something that should have been infinitely better. I got to witness Vickie experiencing the same pain I went through. But that is not a victory, watching someone hurt. 

 

She contacted me again today, wanting to pick up our text conversation where we left off last night. 

 

I thought it would avenge me to see her hurting.

 

But it didn’t. NOT that I fucking trust her. I don’t. Not for one second. 

 

Thank God in heaven, I didn’t lose myself in all of this because I felt some compassion when she told me he kicked her out into the street and gave her an actual stroke. 

 

I’m not sure you can give someone a stroke, but either way, she sounds like she is suffering emotionally and she goes from acting devastated by whatever it is she and Roger got going on to being a bitter, spiteful name caller and all this can happen in less than 3 nanoseconds.

 

This is like the third time she’s told me she’s leaving him. The last time she told me she was leaving him, she admitted he was trying to talk her into being FWB, or friends with benefits.

 

That’s just a nice way of agreeing that your relationship has a shelf life.

 

She’s also convinced he’s a hacker and that he can see every word she writes and hear every word she says. I have no idea what to think.

 

But I do think she will stay with him.

 

Why do I think that? 

 

Because she has a ready excuse rehearsed for why she did. In the short time I texted with her, she admitted to being a “needier morsel” than me. So there it is. She has already defeated herself and decided to stay in the relationship.

 

She must’ve said it ten times in ten different ways, but a few examples were… “you can have him” , “I’m done with him for real this time”, ” please take the fucker”, ” he’s all yours for a while so keep him on his toes”,” you two lying asses can have each other” ” he’s sick and yours to fix” and my favorite…”I left the door open for you so let’s see what you do with it.”

 

She was feeling me out to see if I was posing any kind of threat to her relationship… the one she’s “done with.”

 

She wants to see if I want him back before she dumps him “for good”

 

Just what the fuck?

 

Her hatred for me is palpable.  She makes veiled threats and talks down to me and holy shit is she angry. She’s pissed at him for something, but she didn’t share with me what that something is. Just that he lied. 

 

She ain’t done with him and he ain’t done with her. This is what they do when they fight. She accuses and he tries to prove otherwise is my guess, and also how I get brought into it. He’s probably trying to defend himself against her accusations but why use words that were said from me to him? That’s the part I’m most confused about. “She’s sick of Roger’s bullshit and I’m part of it* Those were her words.

 

How am I part of it? 

 

And what IS “it”, anyhoo. Lmfao. 

 

I’m not sure if she was being mostly civil to me or if she was trying to get me to say something mean about Roger so she could relay my hurtful words to him like a ready missile in her arsenal.

 

But the truth is, I’ve relayed enough of them myself. In my anger and pain I have said terrible hurtful things about BOTH of them but mostly I said them to Roger.

 

She said I guilt tripped him, and in one second, I understood how my words may be devastating to someone hurting enough to put poison in their body as the answer to their pain. People use substances because everything in their life just fucking hurts too much to endure while sober. I get it. That shared pain is what brought Roger and I together in the first place.

 

Vickie confirmed that Roger did tell me one solid truth and that’s that his wife is too mentally ill to live alone. She blamed him for all of his wife’s problems but that is not possible. He can’t be responsible for his own PLUS hers. 

 

Icky Vickie seems to think my words are hurting Roger. Or she just wants me to stop bashing him with words because he won’t face me and it’s my only option. 

 

To tell the truth, he never once answered any of my angry emails from MAY, when I tried to reach out to him on his birthday in the hopes of getting myself closure of some sort, no matter how small an amount that may be.  I thought the email address he was using was probably defunct after all this time with no response whatsoever and I was truly under the assumption that he wasn’t reading my emails.

 

They were a cruel form of therapy to avenge my battered heart.

 

And why is he READING emails he has no intention of answering? I don’t get it, why read emails from someone you ghosted and I know he did it consciously, because he admits it in anger against her. He is reading MY private messages TO her out loud, or letting her see them herself. That’s just wrong on so many levels. She said he says that he “ghosted the wrong bitch.”  Just to make her jealous and stir up trouble with her?  For what reason? I don’t know. 

 

And she tries to make me believe he cares about me. I know it’s a trap because you don’t spend two years desperately running away from someone you love. Every day you went without hearing their voice in your ear would be agonal silence…you wouldn’t let the silence stretch into years. She’s trying to find my weak spot so she can plunge her knife into it and gut my ass wide open. She wanted to entice me into admitting I still love him by using the good cop bad cop method of interrogation and when that didn’t work she flat out asked me.

 

“Jesus, do you love him or hate him”??? 

 

I love him, Vickie. And you know it, or you wouldn’t tell me he is struggling to breathe. You told me that so as to strike fear in my heart and it worked. I’m scared to fucking death he’s going to die without saying goodbye to me and I hate myself for loving him after all the pain he’s caused but just like you, I do. 

 

I hate him, too. Because I gave him all of me even when I knew he didn’t love me enough to want to be with me legitimately and make the difficult changes it would have taken to make that happen. 

 

But if I had to answer your question, I would say the love is greater than the hate.

 

Love doesn’t make you blind.

 

Hatred does.

 

And maybe you need glasses for your soul. 

 

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