scared? me?

Yeah so here is what it boils down to… I am scared to get myself hurt again.  I’m scared of things getting all turned around and messed up, I am scared that I am setting myself up for this, when I should know better.  I question a LOT.

Why is he so nice to me?  At the same time, why do I go out of my way so much for him and isn’t there more he could do to show his appreciation?  It’s cute, when he messages me randomly, just because, just to say that by now I should be at the airport and maybe boarding the plane.  Or just to see if I am having a good time.  It’s good to know he is thinking about me.  And the little cute things, like wrapping up my rip from gymnastics even though I am perfectly capable of doing it.  But at the same time, I really do go above and beyond for him more often.

I like him… this is obvious.  We get along well.  He doesn’t, for some reason, put me through the bullshit he’s put other people through (pretty easy to know this, when I have spies out there… my good friend rents a room from him… anything shady starts happening behind my back she WILL let me know) it’s like… he has nothing to hide from me.  He’s strangely up front with me, for now, and it should really ease my mind more than it does.  I still have my freak out moments.

I just like him.  It is easy.  Even the little dumb things like… temperature (we both prefer warm and would rather open the windows than turn on the A/C)… his biggest issue he had, when we were talking the other night about it, was that he doesn’t like my dragons.  Because they are smelly.  Hard to argue with that. He’s right they are pretty stinky.  And he has faith in me… he doesn’t tend to question me unless it’s to ask why I’m not doing more, pushing myself harder.  It makes me realize he’d not ever try and hold me back.  We both love to go out, dance, drink, have a great time… but are equally at ease laying around doing nothing but watching TV for an entire day.

It’s easy.

I’m not used to things being easy.

I’m waiting for the shit storm to hit… I mean… it always seems to, right?

Worried cause it’s too late to not get hurt anymore… I try and play down how much I like him, like if I don’t fess up to it, I can’t get hurt.  Gave him a bullshit answer when it came up the other night… he was all… so theres a conversation we should have probably had a long time ago…(at which point I worry, what bomb is he about to drop on me?  I haven’t seen him in like 2 or 3 days and we usually see each other 6 days a week!)… "where do you want this to go?" my answer SHOULD have been "HELLO!  I adore you, I want to date you, pull your head outta your ass please." instead I told him "I’m sorta at a point where I don’t try and plan for these things, cause I just end up getting hurt, so I’m just going to see what happens." I should have been more clear and hopefully soon I will get up that nerve to, because really, I think he needs that assurance that "Hi I want to be with you." before he puts himself out on that limb.

I really don’t know… I guess time will tell but I need to stop being a pussy, and tell him where I stand, and let things just go from there!!!

*sigh*

~Katy