stupid heart

I just spent the majority of the entire weekend with p which is nice but can also be very draining. And of course i am gone tonight and now he is with mary i presume. it never fails to get to me. So whatever friday was decent. although we fight so much these days its just become so normal. Saturday morning was even more fighting but somehow we still remain friends. i dont understand it really. then i was supposed to go hom after work saturday but p kept my car and dropped me off so he could get his dvd installed in the car. so afterwork sat. night i just stayed at his place. last night was so much better then friday night. we didnt even fight. we were both happy and we both woke up to what i think was gladness. when we woke up we were nice and friendly and talking and just very caring towards eachother. i dont get us. the morning before we woke up shoving eachother away becsuse i was smothering him as he so rudley put it. i wonder if mary smothers him? probably not huh? sat. morning i was crying from just being shoved away. he didnt know that but i was. facing the wall just sorta crying because he akes me feel so inferior. so unneeded. this morning was better though. i wonder if thats bad that i let the good even out the bad. I dunno whats up with us. i know i constantly stress over the topic. i seriously think i make myself sick over us. the last two weeks i have been there i have had an upset stomach and ended up throwing up. i dont know if its food i am eating or just my stomach so knotted up that it just screws me up. i hate that. you know i just hate caring about him. i wish i couldnt. i mean i know u say u get over someone but come on u really never do. i mena he knows that i am sure he still loves mary. i still love him. i have for years now. it doesnt go away because someoen doesnt treat you so nicely. it never goes away. today i had a guy at work and he was flirting with me. he was hot too, the kinda hot that usually is gay. and he was totally talking it up with me and touching my hand and stuff when i was showing him things. andi coudlnt find the nerve to flirt back. i mean i wanted to. my head was saying go for it sher but my heart was saying you know he would never do it for you. you know that your hearts not there. i hate my damn heart. my damn heart is broken over and over and over again every few days over p and it still gives me butterflies. damn my heart i wish i coudl follow my head. i am going to try to not say anything about mary. i need to just ignore her. i mean just ignore the fact that she is in his life. its no help. especially if i want him to trust me to meet this girl jen from college. i wanna know another friend of his. i need to shower and hit the sack. tired and grumpy a bit and jsut ready for sleep. goodnight.