Sherry currently feels…..Totally dead inside :-(

why is the hardest thing in the world expressing your feelings? these days i just want to scream from the roof “dammit i freaking love  you!!!!” I wanna look at him and just say i love you and i have forever now and its not going away and the worse you treat me the more its hard to care for you. its like this miserable pang in my heart everytime he makes me cry or mad or feel any emotion. my heart hurts right now it is literally aching right now and i hate that he can affect me like that with stupid words. stupid words hurt dammit even if they shouldnt!!!!! on the phone he tells me about some chick coworker who paintballs and they wanna go soon with other coworkers. i say sounds fun i almost went once a while back but didnt go, i wanna go sometime. thats all i said and he wants to criticize? tells me i wouldnt like it i am a wusss i would suck, i wouldnt run. how dare he says that to me. i have asked him to go and he hasnt gone with me. fine i am glad some chick wants to go from work, but how does he know she wont suck? he just assumes i do. well thats fucked up. i am tired of being put down by him for everything i do. i dont freaking need a father i freaking need someone to proive to me i am important because i dont feel that way…ever. i used to but that feeling is gone along with a lot of my pride and self worth from him. he puts me down constantly. he says i treat him the same way but thats not true, i dont put him down. i alway tell him he smells good or looks good or just make him feel good. but to me its “hey you stink” or eww or oh you suck or oh your slow or dont fall clumsy. everything is criticism. i cant deal with it anymore. does he make everyone feel this way or just me? does he honestly think these are words of encouragement or is he purposely trying to hurt my heart?? these are things that wonder in my head all day long. i am tired. i am worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally from him. i am seriously just so completely beaten. thats how i feel lately. no ones ever made me feel like that and i do lately. firneds who know of him and o or of me and my situtation tell me to make a move, ya know try to make him want me, seduce him, but i cant because all he does is reject me. you know even my mom said something about that a few days ago. she knows i love him. i mean she has to. i dont tell her but i  mean come on, you can see it in my face. she said while we sat at lunch she asked about p and then she says you know you just make a move, be bold, if you want him as more then a friend go for it, make him want you. if mom only knew its not that easy. if mom only knew how many nights i lay in his bed next to him feeling so alone. i may be in his arms but i rarely feel like i am with someone there. he makes me feel worthless mostly these days and thats even hard to write. its hard to admit to myself tha ti am such a stupid girl for allowing a guy to make me feel worthless. i used to be so head strong and so good for myself and now i just feel so dead inside sometimes. i mean this whole thing with the paintball is one incident. he thinks i am overreacting. but the ting is its everything. its always being told i suck or i am worthless. its just an ongoing thing and its just wearing me down lately. everything he says to me is critical and berating. thats great he found people to go paintball with im happy for him but you dont have to hurt me when i talk about it with you. dont make me feel this any more damit. i ont deserve it. not when i do anything and everything for you. its almost as if i feel like i am great as long as i am doing something to benefit him. i mean its not fair to say he does nothing for me. he does. he does a lot for me but its not about monetary things i want its about little things. its hte litele things tha tgo a long way. the back rubs, or the small talk. how bout for once you ask me if i need a massage or ask me how work was. or maybe watch a girlie movie with me since i watch every single action movie with you. its those things i need out of him. i sat there on the phone before he rudely hung up on me thinkign to myself how much i hate how i feel right now. i wnated to scream into the phone as loud as i could “i fucking love you dide, why must you treat me so badly and make my heart just ache constantly!!! I love you dammit dont you get it!!!”