rambly reality check

Its funny how so often i find myself answering nosy questions form p. THings that wouldnt even ever come up but somehow they do. Things like kissing people. You know no one knows i kiss chris. not even any real friends. i wrote in here and thats it but somehow P knew. well he pretended to assume but he knew. i thought about lying when he asked me who i have kissed and like when was my last kiss and stuff, but i figured why lie, it just makes u look bad and so what dont hide it so i told him yeah i kissed chris. So what. he got all bent outta shape some made me feel slutty and thats not fair. he said last he kissed was mary probably like 3 years ago. and u know what i kinda beleive him, but its not for lack of wanting to. believe me if she wanted to kiss him he would kiss her all the time. Its not fair to make me feel bad about kissing. he said something about how anyhting physical with someone else is bad until your married or in a good relationship, and i agree, but i mean we do things all the time, just yeasterday morning him and i fooled around. we arent in a relationship but it doesnt stop us whats so bad about a kiss? i know hes just trying to make me feel like shit but its annoying. I thoguth about censoring what i write here so often. i thought about going favorites only but i love having new people read me. and well if he wants to read then so be it if he gets hurt or offended by what i write here. I mean i thoguht we were passed this phase of reading my private thoguhts. i could very easily snoop his place again but i dont becuase its not right. its not right and it was my biggest mistake ever reading his email. i wish i was given the same respect back. but whatever i mean he will do what he wants to do. And you know what im sorry but i will kiss chris again, you can count on it, he is an awesome kisser, he makes me remember what it feel like to be kissed. I know i dunno where we are going though. he has a kid and thats a lot to deal with but for now it sjsut fun. my life would be so easy if p would just feel what i feel. it would be so easy to never have to look for someone again. so easy to spend the rest of my life with one person. it would be the best feeling in the world to have someone tell you they love you and know they mean it. I guess things can never justbe easy right? Right now sleeping there with him, pretending we are happy with that is easy and conveinent and so damn hard at the same time. ugh, i know he knows how i feel. at circuit city friday night i slipped up. we were talking aobut plasma tvs and i said we should put one in our bedroom when we can afford it. it was a slip. i mean yeah its how i feel but i cant just say that crap ya know? ugh. he said something about it and i played it off. but i see him in my future i wont deny that. i see that bedroom with him and i on a sunday morning, watching football together on our plasma tv. cuddled under the covers with our two kitties at the foot of the bed. yeah its a pretty picture its a perfect picture to me. but its a wrong picture right now so i need to push the real picture to the front. him and i in bed on sunday morning fighting with eachother over space. him shoving me over and kneeing me, him knowing i love him, me feeling defeated, and him probalby wishing someone else was there instead of me thats reality hows that for a pretty picture? :-/