nothing ever gets better it just stays the same

sometimes i feel like i am hnging on by a thread. one day my life is good and the next its going to hell and i feel like i am just going to fall off the edge. p is driving me nuts. i dont understand why he will not let me meet his friend jen. i mean ok fine shs a friend i am fine but the point i why am i not gonna see him or speak o him for the week she is here? when i had friends come he met them. whtats the big deal. i mean i see why i dont meet mary, yeah i may shoot her dirty looks. but with this girl jen i could care less. i mean shes a friend so i just wanna meet her. not o hate her just to see her thats all, whats the big deal. i asked him and he ignores my questions. and its starting to piss me off. and whats aggravating me more is that she comes for this week then when she leaves him and i leav for vacation together like a half a week later and idont even know how we will be together. a part of me is already still so hurt and mad how is a week with him going to be u know? expecially if the weeks she is here he never calls me like usual. everynight we talk before he goes to bed and because she will be here i will get no call. im not doing well with this at all. so what shes there, call me and tell me how your day was dammit. dont change that on her account dude. ugh its irritating,only thing getting me to be fine with this is out of the week she will be here i haveplans to keep me occupied 4 nights, not bad huh? i told my mom about one of my plans and she was craking up. told me p is gonna be pissed. lol. i dont care though. im not sitting around waiting for him. im going out with girls from work one night and we are gonna have fun. i am single, i am young and you know what i need to act like it. i am totally excited. 🙂 my mom cant belive i am going to this place an she says i betternot do anything dumb like hook up with someone. lol . i am not that dumb but i intend to have a blast. things with my dad arent good lately. hes feeling really bad lately. i dontknow how much longerhe has with all these heart problems and it scares the hell outta me. itry to not worry or talk about it but its getting to me. i dont wanna talk to p about it because he doesnt care. its not his job to care i guess. my dads really down on life lately and it scares me. he is onso many medications for the heart that they all make him feel so awful. andin turn he just gets down on himself and on life and i hate it. hes such a downer lately. hes feeling like he has no one. tonight he asked if the reason p neve came over was beause he thoguht that my parents werelosers. i had to explain to him no thats notthe reason. see theyinvite p over for dinner occassionally but i make up excuses becausei know p wont come and my dad sees i as a slap in the face sorta. but they dont inderstand p doesnt come over because he doesnt wanna seem lik my bf. i really wish he wouldmake more of an effort to come over at times but i cant make him, its not like i havent tried. my dad likes the guy , with my dad not so healthy and not thinking he isgonna live a lot longer he sees p as the manin my life when he dies u know? i know its not right but to mydad he looks up to p as someone who looks after me and loves me and he just wants to get to know him u know? i just hate my dad thinking p looks down onhim itsso stupid, and even if he did that shouldnt matter. anyways i am rambling i am tired and need to sleep. i have to stopthinking about all the bad in my life. i am starting to feel so tense lately. ugh. i need to relax so bad.