jen

i had a good weekend mostly. i wanna tell yoou about the dodger game but not tonight. i ham in this funk tonight. its over something p told me today. he informed me that an old friend of his will be visiting him soon. SHE is from new york and SHE went to college with him and SHE is going to be staying with him a few days then SHE will be visiting more friends. oh and she is a SHE. her name is Jen.  it bugs me because i have trust issues with him. MAJOR TRUST ISSUES. i hate it but i do. i mean i know hes lied to me before so it bugs. i cant get it out of my head the idea that maybe he met her like he met me. on the internet. maybe shes coming to see him for the first time. maybe he is payig for her to come see him like he offered for me that one spring break afte ri had met him. all these maybes are running through my head a mile a minute. i mean where will she sleep? assumiung in bed with him and that drives me nuts. i ewanna believe him so bad, i mean if he was lying wouldnt he have told me a guys name? i mean maybe he is beign hinest you know? i wanna give him the benifit of the doubt i really do its just so hard. i know i cant control this but i would at least like to be somewhat of a voice. like maybe if he takes her out or somehting why couldnt i meet her? we are friends now for like 5 years, im pretty important, why cant i meet someone from his past huh? my biggest fear is maybe shes someone for his future. ugh. too much in my head. over hte last year i have written and rewritten and revised this letter to him. and over and over again i toss it out and forget about it. i finally feel like i am mustering up the courage to share it. i finally feel like i am tired of having this huge lie. i cant stant pretending to his face he means nothign to me. he does dammit theres nothing ewlse to it. he is so much to me and i just dunno what that all means yet. i poulled out the old letter tonight  and wrote a bit in it. who knows if the ourage will remain but for now its there. ugh. ok i need to shower and sleep tomorrow i will tell u bout the dodger game. togiht i got that whole jen thing going through my head. amazing i forgot who mary was for a sec. 😛

Ps. PLease no notes telling me i shouldnt care aobut her seeing him, i know that already, i am just being a selfish person.