heartbreaks…camachos……over it :-)

I am p’s right now. i have to help him move his sisters tonight. and i guess he is keeping my truck tomororw to finish moving. We are ok lately. like i have said to a few people onIM from here things are just ok. like i know where i stand with him, and i know about this friend coming to visit him, and i know the truth, at least i wuold like to believe its all the truth so i will. i know what we are and what we arent and i am good with it, beccause you know what i just am not in it anymore. it meaning love or lust or whatever i think i feel. sure he still gives me those butterflies when he lies with me in bed or when he first get s out of the shower half dressed or when he flashes me a sexy smile, but i have to remember its not for me. hes not mine. hes mary’s, or his other exes or jens or some new girls. hes just out there for anyone just not me. and u know what thats ok with me. i am going to go on vacation with him still and i will have fun. i will not have these expectations anymore. i will be fine and everoyne gets over their first heartache. see for me this was my first heartache. my firt broken hear.t before him i was the one who broke a heart. i didnt realize it at the time, but i do now. and i saw how long it took sean to get through it. i dont feel proud about how i hurt him but i did. i was young selfish, and not in love like he was. i hurt him. i see it now and i regret it. but i woner if p regrets it. i wonder if he feels bad for not caring like i do? probably not. but thats ok. im not bitter on that one. i just wonder. I think i got paid back doubly for my heartbreaking i did with sean. p ripped mine i pieces. he took it all and tore it into tiny little nothing pieces. no exageration thats how i feel. he made me fall for him, treted me like i was his world and made me feel really truly important and then just stopped. told me i was beter then him and deserved better and blah blah blah and that was it heartache ever since. i dont think my heart truly ever has been whole again but its getting there. its the closest its ever been to whole these last few weeks. i feel like i have taken back my heart. i feel like i no longer wanna give him even a small piece of my heart. i will find a guy i want to give my whole heart too without missing pieces. i doubt i have a piece of his anyways.   i know i am changing my feelings for him each and every day and its so liberating and free feeling. i find myself talking less and less at night and thats ok. i find myself being ok with him doing what he wants because i have a life. speaking of my life… i have awesome plans for sometime next month, probably in the begnining. i am goinng to go see a male strip show. like a chipendales show thingie. anyoen ever heard of camachos i n industrY? some friends from work tried to get me to go last month but i didnt becaue (big surprise) i had plans with P. well you knoww hat i saw the pics and it looked like so much fun and plus those guys were freaking hot!!! OMG they could give me a lap dance anyday!!!!! i think i will join them next month. ehehehe. ok that was off subject but oh well. p is running late and i am sitting here by myself kinda bored. thats why i get to write. i ofund myself not looking forward to today very much i dunno why, maybe its because i actually am enjoying some time away. i didnt come over once during hte week, thats a huge change, i usually come 2 to 3 times a week. but even though he wanted me to come over yesterday to play tennis and he even offered to pay for my gas i declined. i said nope sorry and i didnt go. i said he could come to me but thats it. so we didnt see eachother last night and i was good with htat. i know it might seem small but for me its a step in the right direction anyways. i got a few responses bout the favorites only entries and a few more people have been added to my favorites list so they can read my entries. i will continue doing a little of both public and favorites for the time being but i will eventually probably switch to favoirtes for everything soon so just be aware of that if your a lurker 🙂 andi  said the pics were coming but i will get to it asap its just been busy lately. wlel thats it, i just sorta rambled but thats ok its good to do so sometimes. i think i am best when i ramble. its kinda like i dont have anything too bad going on so thats always nice. ok going to read favorites now byebye thanks for the notes 🙂