happy…..despite this entry!!!!

how come no matter how often i see him, and no matter how little he sees her, i still get so damn jealous. i swear, it has seriously been over a month, maybe even two since mary has been around, i went through my entries and dont even see one where i mention her being around so i am thinking it was in august (the months od erased) the last time he saw her. and tonight i am told she may be over tomrrow and why the hell does it bug? damn i wish i didnt feel anything. i wish i could feel numb on the subject. i am no where near depressed or pissed or anything. mostly i just feel so unwanted when i am told this. i mean yeah i see him way more then 2 to 3 times a week and she averages maybe once or twice a month but i look at it as i want to see him that much, and who knows maybe all along he wants to see her that much. see i think like that, and thats so stupid. lately i have been feeling good with things, and i have an entry to write about halloween haunt, and this weekend and all that good stuff but right now i just wanted to vent. i mean i know i cant control who he hangs out with but this one just drives me nuts. i was neve rlike this before him but now i cant help this feeling. i know i sound stupid and petty when i wrote about this subject, but i cant help it. i know even if there wasnt a mary there would be someone else. its just normal, but i think i coudl handle that better. i seriously think i could handle someone new better.if it was someone new i could say to myself, well he really didnt care about you and he has someone new who he cares about and who cares about him, and though it woudl be hard i would learn to accept this. but with mary i feel like he says he would rather hang out and pine away for someone who broke his heart and didnt want him instead of caring for someone who even though she denies it endlessly still cares so deeply for him and knows that she lvoes him more then any best friend should ever love her friend. thats hard to take. its hard to think that i could possibly be nothing. when he sees mary it jsut makes me feel like that more. and i know its not all true but the small part that is hurts like hell. i was feeling sorta nostalgic (i think that is the correct word) last ngiht and i was sitting in my room going through old stuff. i have a box i keep. it has everything in it from p and mes friendship. i have very movie stub, dodger tickets,  tons of dinner receipts, postcards, letters, printed emails and im’s.  the tag from my first xmas gift from him, my bday and xmas cards from him, the empty box of chocolates he bought me for valentines day. a few years ago i started lueing them on paper. like making a scrapbook thingie. although i never fully finished i think i may put it together more. i look through this box and i just cant belvie how deep i am in this. i seriously started to feel crazy from looking at all the junk i save up. does this make me crazy? or just crazy from loving someone? no one but myself has ever seen this box nd no one ever will, well maybe my kids 20 years down the road. 🙂 its crazy i even wrote down dates of first things we did. i had it bad folks. ugh i got off track lol. i just feel so confused lately. unwanting  and afraid to move on to someone who kind of likes me, and could possibly like me more , but unwilling to settle being second string to mary. where does that leave me ? alone?  is that where i wanna be? is it bad that maybe i am starting to feel like alone is the only way i will ever be? is it bad to think that the one true love i will ever feel just didnt feel that way? i mean really, they say everyone has someone, but what if its not true. i am 23 years old and i am yet to find someone else to even have a stimulating converstation with. i am 23 and cant even remember the last time i felt gosebumps from anyone else. i received a condom in the mail for free from trojan the other day and is it sad it made me htink about hte fact that i havent even had sex in over 3 years. OMG that sounds so bad to me. might as well just use the damn condom for a water balloon. i am rably sorry but i should go. despite what i say here i am in a decently good mood. just sorta moody over the mary thing, but arent i always that way?