fuck it all

I’ve sat here for about ten minutes wondering what it is that i exactly want to write and i can’t think of it and verbalize how i feel right now. thats rare for me i always have a n opinion or a stand on something thats just me. but right now i feel a little bit too scared and open and violated. and iodnt even know if these are the right words to use. its nothing with c its something with p andfor once i dunno what to say or how to feel and i cant even say what the thing is. at least not here. its like he thinks i am so stupid and will know anything but you know what im not that dumb of a girl. right now i want to cry so bad but i dont want to let him make me feel that way. ever again. right now i wanna scream at the top of my lungs, but then my mom will ask me whats wrong and i dont wanna tell her what i am feeling right now. right now i want to call him and tell him i despise him, but i cant do that because he doesnt know why i despise him. right now i wanna go to c’s and tell him yeah we shold date but i cant because i am being to hasty in this decision. C well we can call him by his name Chris is onderful and you know what i feel like telling him so. I know this entry is confusing you guys because i am not telling you all why i feel this way but i cant because lack of privacy here. i just know i dont feel so good aobut things right now. i dont feel so important or special or different then anyone else and that stings my heart beyond belief. i feel betrayed, hurt, and wide open. and i feel this way because of something i know. something i may not want to know and ugh dammit i am pissed. i gotta go to work. smile pretend to be happy to be there and have my insides just totally quenched in pain. how is it possible to absolutly hate someone so much but at the same time love him, and want him and want him to make you happy? its a fucking  puzzle to me.