coming to terms with my feelings and thoughts.

P was with mary last night. i am fine with this. i know some may not believe it but yeah its ok to have other friends, even if they are ex gf’s. m i mean hey shes ex for a reason right? i was annoyed he didnt answer my call and i hadnt heard from him at all, but whatever still not mad. when i talked to him this morning he told me she came over and it was late when she left so he didnt call. still not mad but just kinda annoyed. definatly not because he was with her but because i assume things. see on weeknights when i am over there we lay around, relax together, get in bed at a decent time (11 or 12) and just watch tv together. the way we do this is something special to me. its something that has taken a long time to get to. i mean its been four years now and we are really closer then ever lately and its a good feeling. when we lay there most of the time i lay behind him and he lays on his back and i put my head on his chest and his arms around me while we watch tv. most of the time we fall asleep like this while we talk before going to bed. if noit like this then he is pressed up behind me with his arms around me and his head rested kinda on mine or on my shoulder. OK this is what i love. so when i think of mary being there on a work night i cant get this picture out of my head. except in the picture its her head on his chest. i am sorry but thats what i assume when she leaves at 1 am. I know when i have been at seans (exbf) or chris’ (current guy i sorta saw for a bit)  i have watched tv with them in thei rrooms. but its different. i sit up in their bed, or if i do lie down its up against the wall behind them keeping a really safe distance away as to not confuse the boy. there is hardly no contact and its just two friends watching tv together on a worknight. nothing more. and see i like it that way. if i watched tv with chris and sean the way i do with p i would feel slutty and skanky and just not myself. But i wonder if p is the same as me. is he as open with her as he is with me? i cant deal with that. i dont like that and i cant pretend i do. he tkaes me wonder and my semi hurt on this subject and makes it seem lik ei am mad. i know he sees her and i have to deal with this and i do. and i have come to terms with it and realize whatever its fine, hes not mine. but i will be damned to be alright with him being so comfortable with someone else. i have tried to express this to him but i dont think he gets  my point of view. i just cant be so comfortable with one person if he isnt only that comfortable with me. it has nothing to do with how i feel about him, its just common courtesy. i need to know that i am the only one hes like. its like he assumes i know but i dont. i am insecure. i think thats one of my biggest character flaws. i dont think very highly of myself. and i need that reassurance quite often. i have dropped the subject for the most part but i just hate him thinking i am mad. im not even mad or even jealous. im just wondering. i just dont like thinking about the way he is. wondeirng if he just wears boxers here. or if he puts his arms around her, or if she cuddles up to him. its furstrating wondering these things because it shatters me. it shatters the faith in him that i have. i have faith in him knowing that i am important to him. i have faith that he does hold some things sacred between him and i but these assumptions eat away at this faith i have in him and in us. i just wish he would talk aobut it with me sometimes. sometiems this girl just needs to feel reassurance.