chivalry is damn sexy

i dont even know if i spelled that title right. hmmm…I am feeling kinda weird tongiht. i called p a few times this night to see if he wanted to get toether afte rwork but low and behold he never answered his phone. one can only assume he was with mary since i never get an answer when he is with her. EVER. i could be lying dying in a ditch and he would be of no help if he was with her, but whatever thats not gonna get me down tonight. so chris called  and i decided to hang with him after work. he met me at work and we went for a drive together. it was refreshing. there is something sweet about chris that really makes me want to give him a shot. i mean yeah my heart still is with p but chris just makes me feel so darn important. as wel walked around the shops in uptown this evening for a bit he reached down and grabbed my hand. it was sweet and makes me want someone to do that all the time. hell i cant even get p to brush my hand in the street on accident. also i didnt have my jacket and chris asked if i wanted him to run to the car to grab his. i said no but i appreciate the gesture you know? i dunno but he impresses me more and more ewach time i see him. its sexy when  a guy is chivilrous. i am not used to that but its sorta a turn on. i gave him a kiss tonight and you know what i dont regret it one bit. thats what people do. they meet people they get to know them and if it turns romantic or close u kiss them and you know what i will kiss him again. i am starting to realize im wasting my time pretending p loves me back. i know it. i mean yeah it sucks but whatever shit happens life goes on and you know what i find myself to be a very sexual person and if p is a waste of time then why pretend to be ok with the occassional pet? im not ok with that. its hell. yeah its nice being with him physically but damn its a tease. all it does is make me wnat something more solid with or without p. im not saying i am gonna go find some guy to screw around with but i am saying hey if it happens then good for me. i had this miserable dream las tngiht and i woke up with tears from it. it was all too real and all too painful to talk about again but i will say i hope i dont have it again tonight. well i called p last time right when i was getting off work and i left him an im saying if he wnated to talk to me he could call later when his company leavescuz i dotn wanna call again to her the voice mail. so i am proud of myself for not dialing again and getting myself all bent outta shape because he isnt answering. i am tired anyways should just sleep then talk. goodnight.