better then that dammit!

its been a long weekend.not all good but not all bad. feeling queesy tonight may be getting a cold or something. i am also feleing mixed emotions on a few things in the P department. i wanna come clean about something though. i now keep another diary on this site. i decided about a month ago to make a private diary. it is not viewable to anyone but me and its where i will start writing things i need to say but dont wanna say to everyone. i have been writing more private entries here bt i think the new od will help me out. one day i may make it viewable to my favorites but for now i need this secrecy. i will tell u about sorta whats buggin me with p though. i just feel like i am always going the extra mile for someone who will never get me. i know this is all the same crap but i see it so much more now. i see that im not really cared fo rthe way i NEED to be. And i will be damned if i will settle for less then that. we fight so much and its not good. he had the nerve to tell me that i dont care about if he ever can afford a new car or the house he wants to buy when i said we should go out to dinner last night. it pissed me off. thats not fair. ok i dunno if i wrote this or not but he saw mary wednesday night. and then he tells me i think thursday that mary may loan him the rest of the downpayment for the house. see the roomates not sure if she wants to go in on it anymore and p wants to do it still. he needs like i dunno probably 7000 or so. ok well marys rich. im osrry wait i mean her familys rich therefore shes got money. ok good for her, i mean whoppty fuckin doo shes the best. so i got pised by him saying i dont carte nad i got angy and said im sorry i wasnt born rich. i wans pissed i canre about his damn house or car or whatever. i do my part and pay and he just thinks its all on him. i was angry. he seems to forget i gave him nearly 3000 dollars out of my student loan checks when he was out of work. i didnt even have to think twice in helping him out but thats all forgotten. mary isnt even loaning him the morny she is investing it. he will have to give her like 10 percent interest or something. it just pisses me off him saying crap like htat. then today we fought about sex stuff and i hate that. dont wnana get into it here just know it sucked and pissed me off and makes me really wanna call chris right aobut now. so what he has a kid, at least he knows how to treat someone. i like kids so whatever. i wnat someone who smiles when they see me and treats me good and loves to touch me. not pervetedly just the simple act of holding my hand or giving me a hug or something. i mean p wont even hug me but he will let me do toehr stuff for him. thats fucked up and i am starting to realize that. i need to remember what it was like to be loved. i had it once and i lost it but i want it again. no settling for this girl.  im better then that.

I try to be myself.  It’s not always pretty or happy, but it’s me.
-Kristin Chenoweth