5.17am

*YAWN*

5.17am and A woke up, I knew she would go back to sleep but against my better judgement I went into her and that was it she was wide awake. I find myself  second guessing everything since A was born, this goes back to A being a baby, I noticed she was crawling funny and mentioned it to G who was pretty quick to dismiss me and put it down to me being anxious (this is now the narrative for most of my worries), this has been a recurring theme in the 3 years A has been here, G always goes against my judgement so then I second guess them, I worked in childcare for ten years and yet he still questions me, when she was walking with a limp I just knew something wasn’t right with regards to her leg, again he put it down as normal toddler toddling and I didn’t chase it up as I should have feeling I was just beubg ruled my anxiety and making mountains out of mile hills as usual until sadly her nursery flagged it up then he took me a bit more seriesouly and turned out my suspension was right and she had hip dysplasia, it’s been a long hard journey for her this year after two surgeries and the last few weeks I’ve heard her hip clicking again and seen her limping more and I just know in my heart she will need more surgery in 2023, it’s getting me so down to think of all the progress she has made being snatched away from her again as she becomes immobile once again, of course I can’t talk to G about this as once again he will just dismiss my worries but I just know in my heart 2023 is going to he no different from 2022. Speaking of which I tried to mention it briefly to him last night, I told him that I was feeling like I was loosing control and it just seemed to be set back after set back for us all, I had a cry and he just looked at me when what I needed was a cuddle and for someone to stroke my hair and to hear me…..oooh to be understood, before he went to bed he did ask if I needed anything and if I wanted my hot water bottle filled so I think this was his way of acknowledging I wasn’t OK and trying to help but it’s not what I needed at the time.

Anyway taking A to see Santa today at a play cafe so that should be lots of fun, I’ll paste on my happy face for her that’s all one can do really isn’t it, keep calm and carry on.

K X