Update and fatique

Dear Diary:  I’m tired.  But, I owe you an update.  Potentially, we’re back on the downhill slide at the moment.  I guess my last entry was right after a good CT scan.  Since then, the good news is that Kelly’s CA125 count has fallen two more times and is still at the lowest its been since the beginning.  And that she has been feeling well with good energy…other than the usual chemo side-effects.  And that is good news for which we are thankful.  The bad news is that her CA 125 count has been dropping less and less each time and it only fell 2 points last time.  Based on her past experience, that would seem to indicate the disease is once again gaining the upper hand and that we’ll have to evaluate and decide on a different treatment soon.  Her next chemo is scheduled for 12-28 and we’ll see what her CA 125 does then.  I think we both expect it to go up.  I’m tired!

Tired of all the stress, the mental anquish, the seeming inevitability of it all.  I’m tired of dreading the time when my wife will get sick and suffer again!!  I’m tired of seeing her suffer now with side-effects of her chemo treatment.  I’m tired of her having to have chemo therapy.

Diary, I wonder how many people reading your pages examine or contemplate…or at the least are even aware of their circumstance?  I really believe most people…most of the time…get caught up in the routine day to day events of life and simply do their thing year after year and aren’t really conscious of where they’re at in their lives.  Or how good they have it, or where their good fortune comes from, or how thankful they should be.   Does that make sense, diary? I say that because I’m tired of getting smacked in the face every day with the knowledge that my wife has a likely terminal illness from which she probably will not recover.  I am tired of imagining a future (and a happy one at that) just to help me live in the present.  I’m tired of having to do such a horrendous thing as that and I’m tired of the guilt that comes along with it.  I say horrendous and mention guilt because the future I’m forced to imagine is one that doesn’t include Kelly and that in order for it to become reality, she has to lose her battle and her life. Its amazing how much time I spend day in and day out wondering what the future holds for my wife, if she will be in the minority who survive, if and when she will get really sick again, what I will do, how I will handle it, and what I’ll do with the rest of my life should God call Kelly home.  Its all very tiring.

Diary…..this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done……. 

I’m tired.  Yet…I know there is a reason why this is happening.  I’ll just have to rely on what I believe in order to get through this.  I have to give this burden to the Lord.  He can and will give me the strength to get through this. 

Log in to write a note
December 13, 2007

I will pray for you and your wife; “Spend these moments doing things you love with those you love.”