I’m Not OK
So this is my first entry and I’m sure I’ll probably ramble so I apologize ahead of time for that. I found this site while searching for coping mechanisms and none of them are working. I have made some veiled Facebook posts in hopes that people would see me but they don’t. To the people that know me I have always been a survivor, the strong one…despite all odds. I’ve been through so much… some horrific experiences. However, in my mind, others have endured worse so I shouldn’t lay my problems on anyone. That’s how I’ve always been.. I’m a “suck it up, buttercup” kind of chick. Recently though, I’m having a hard time “sucking it up”. Yes, I’m strong most of the time.. but lately I feel weak and lost and scared of my own emotions. I made a post last night on Facebook and I recently deleted it because of one comment from my mother. It was a picture that said “It’s ok to not be ok”…. Her response was “BUT you ARE OK!!” If I’m being honest it pissed me off, made me sad and honestly just made me feel hopeless. I know that I NEED to be ok and I’m trying but it’s not working. I’m a single mother of an almost 13 year old daughter, who I am fairly certain I am screwing up. I also feel like I am probably bipolar, but have no insurance to go see a doctor for it…. so I drink. I drink to make the feelings subside, and they do for a while but then they come flooding back. I thought I was doing good being single, but after 5 years of being single I just want a companion to make me feel like everything will be ok. However, I cant find one because my anxiety and depression has taken over my personality and I run everyone off. My daughter comes home and just goes in her room because she cant stand me. My “friends” only tolerate me in small does and I don’t blame them. I feel like I’m screaming and nobody hears me!!! I know I didn’t give a lot of back story but I don’t know if anyone really wants to hear me bitch and moan about that. So I guess I’m just here to say I know I’m not OK and nobody in my circle cares. They really just think I’ll be OK. Not saying I’m suicidal or anything but I really do just wish I could disappear. My daughter would be better off with more stable family members, and I would be better off just fading away.
No, your daughter wouldn’t be better off without you. Don’t disappear. Maybe you are not ready to let them care yet.
@iwantmyhoney i am ready but everyone just keeps telling me i’ll be ok
@justmeandlost yea that’s like a generic response people say when they don’t know what to say but also that they care and don’t quite know what to say but want to say something to try and take your mind off it and maybe see you how they see you? It could be that you hide it so well that people would think like who? You? Be not ok? Oh no not her she’s got it together she’s got everything going for her! Its like people get upset that we have the audacity to not be ok. But from another angle: I have also been on the other end, staring over the edge of the abyss with my boyfriend while he talks about how miserable and horrible he feels and how nothing will ever go right and we are all just doomed to suffer. And the only thing I can think off, the first thing to tell him before he falls into the abyss and pulls me in with him is “you’re going to be ok!”
And then it ends up sounding disingenuous. In fact it’s the opposite. It’s like the person I love is feeling this pain inside their soul and I can’t take it away because I don’t know how. It’s a really helpless feeling. Not everyone will actually care. But I know for the ones that do, it might help them out if you gave them a hint.
Oh also, I don’t have health insurance either so I do brightside.com. you can see a psychiatrist virtual visit and then get your Rx sent in the mail if u need it. It’s costs like 90$ a month plus I think 35 a month for the medicine. You can do just that or get it with the counseling which costs more or u can do just counseling. It’s way cheaper than out of pocket in person. Cerebral is like 2x more expensive..
I hope you can find better support love
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I believe you when you say you’re not ok. I have Schizoaffective Disorder – Bipolar Type. I know what that feels like. I am also a recovering alcoholic. I’ve been sober for seventeen years. I decided that I needed help with the drinking, so I started going to AA meetings. I was diagnosed with a mental illness in 1989, but I self-medicated and alcohol was the first problem I needed to take care of. AA helped me. I’m not going to preach, but it did help.
I had a psychotherapist for years, but she moved and I needed help. My daughter helped me find a clinic that provided psychiatry and meds for free. I’m not sure where you live, but you might want to check with your county health department to see if there is anything that might be of help. I would also Google “affordable” or “free mental healthcare” for your state. Not sure if you’ll find anything, but you might make one appointment with a psychiatrist to see if he/she can guide you to such assistance.
I know there is help for you. It may take some time to do the research. In the meantime, you might want to try AA, just so there is someone who will listen and have some understanding of what you’re going through. You don’t have to do this alone. (((Hugs)))
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People care. My husband (now ex) was going through the same thing and as crazy as it sounds, he’s much happier after he quit drinking. It only made his depression and anxiety worsen until he lost everything. His job, wife, kids respect… all of it is gone.
Find a close friend and tell them you need “Help”. Spell it out if you have to. Don’t beat around the bush. Tell that person what help looks like for you but know that people can only help you so much. The rest is up to you to change. Online therapy has been great. No insurance needed and I told them my money situation and they helped find something I could afford. Do something you live every day. Write, read, take pictures, go for a walk. And stay in a routine. These are the first steps to feeling better about your life.
Im rooting for you!!
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I think you’ll find Journaling here helps immensely.
It is ok to not be ok but I agree with others that maybe it’s time to try some aa meetings. You will also probably find some good friends.
As for a companion you can’t really go for one and expect them to make you feel better and safe. Sadly you owe it to them and more importantly you to do some self work first.
Keep writing and I’ll keep reading
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Welcome to Open Diary! I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I hope journaling here is a wonderful experience for you and gets you to a better place. I just started writing here again after this was a home that changed my life many years ago and I hope you get something amazing out of it, too. It can be so helpful to just have a place to say what’s real especially when no one in our circle seems to be hearing. The first time I came on this site, and I’m sure so much has changed over the years, I kind of felt like it was the first time anyone had actually just… listened, and made space for all that I had to say. It was wonderful and it was one of the most healing things… I just kept sharing more and more and my life completely changed.
Sometimes it’s really hard for people to just listen and people get really uncomfortable and don’t know what to do with ‘not okay’. I am kind of going back and forth about whether to offer this but I always love when people give me prompts and ideas of things to journal about and when I read your entry I find myself curious… what would you most want to communicate with people in your circle and can you imagine what kind of response you might get from them that would make you feel like you are heard and supported?
Anyway, yeah, when I say I’m not okay I really just want people to hear I’m not okay and listen a little more closely to what I’m saying, to see if maybe there’s anything they can do to help maybe, but to really see me, not to put up a bigger wall. I went to the hospital for suicidality when the real problem was simply that I was not okay and it felt like nobody was listening and that was the only way I could see to make a point that something was really, really wrong and needed attention. It’s like there is a wall and what I’m actually trying to say does not go through at all.
It doesn’t sound like you’re screwing up, just doing the best you can, which is all any of us can do… and I would love to read your backstory or your complaints or whatever if you want to share it. I don’t know if meditation is one of the strategies you’ve tried but I’ve found it to be really helpful. It’s one of the things I’m excited to hopefully write more about as I start writing more here.
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Just want you to know. I get what you’re feeling and I see you.
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