lots and lots of updates

Just got out of class. I actually got to get work done so yea thats a good thing. So many things have been going on the last few days I don’t even know where to start. So I guess I’ll just go in chronological order.

Alex:
So yea remember how Alex and I talked about everything? And how I was like honest with him about me and Daniel? And how he was supposedly ok with everything?

Yea it was all bull.

After our long conversation. I went to sleep happy and excited to have my best friend back. Then I wake up and find out he deleted me off of facebook and wont answer any of my calls or messages. So I’m like umm…what the hell? So yea he completely ignores me and I was confused as to why because as far as I knew he was ok with everything. So I text one of our mutual friends and find out whats wrong. As it turns out he feels betrayed. He feels that I didn’t grieve enough over our 4 year relationship. That I moved on too fast and stuff. Well heres the lovely thing..

I’ve been upset for the last few months of our relationship. I lost him and our relationship a very long time ago. I’ve been grieving since before I ended it. SO actually ending it…made me feel better. I’m not sorry for anything and I don’t regret anything. Daniel and I had an amazing connection from the start. I’m tired of making everyone else happy. I want to be happy too. Daniel makes me happy. Alex makes me upset. 

I’d rather be happy with Daniel than worry about Alex who gets me so upset. 

I mean don’t get me wrong. I’m kind of hurt that Alex just dropped me like that. How can he I say that I didn’t care about our 4 year relationship when he’s the one who treated his girlfriend of four years like shit when he went to college. So whatever. I’m over it..

Who the hell am I kidding…I’m really not…like not in the slightest. 

*sigh* I feel like crying. I know I shouldn’t because he’s just a huge douchebag but I can’t help but care. I’ve been hiding it from Daniel for the last like 2 days because I already cried over this and he’s already helped me. On tuesday I didn’t want to move or get out of bed because I was so upset. And he picked me up out of bed and talked to me. He was like firm with me but still gentle if that makes sense. I’m pretty hard headed so I need the firmness…but I’m also sensitive and defensive so I need the gentleness. Then he made me go to the gym and do a statistic thing for one of his martial arts instructors. He is very big on the whole, "When you feel like not doing anything…go do something!" So yea…

It feels like one of those days again…All I want is a hug and to cuddle with him. But, I must put on my best happy face and get through it…I don’t want to burden him too much..

Daniel:

So we talked. We both said in the beginning that we didn’t want a commitment to each other. 
But, the more time I spend with him…the more I want to be with him. Like officially. But, at the same time it doesn’t matter. He’s is mine and I am his…at this point I think we’re pretty exclusive. Mostly because I don’t want to be with anyone else. Hopefully, he doesn’t either.

But yea so we talked about it. Becoming official. Basically he said the main reason he isn’t committing is because he made a promise not to commit in college because his life is kind of unstable in the way that he doesn’t know where his career choices and stuff will take him. Actually I can show you guys the convo

Ok here it is. Again parenthesis are me me clarifying or adding my thoughts to stuffs:

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(So I did this in letter form because I feel I express myself better through writing than talking)

Daniel, 

I’m scared. I’m scared because I like you way more than I should for the amount of time we’ve been together. I don’t mind that so much though. It’s just always a scary thought…jumping into a new relationship. 
I’m also scared because you’re way out of my league. You’re smart and determined. You do stuff when you say you’ll do stuff. You don’t laze around doing nothing. You never get mad at me (or in general) and you put up with my moods. I’m afraid you’ll realize that you’re way out of my league and up and leave. 
I’m afraid that I’m putting so much of myself into this for no reason. I mean there’s reason and awesome/amazing things came out of our short time together. But, I’m afraid you don’t feel the same way about me as I feel about you. This often leads to heart break which I try to avoid at all costs.
We said we’d just stay unofficial and just have fun and not have titles. Do you remember that? Well the more I’m with you the more I would like to be committed. It’d be nice to not have to sneak up to your room or the be all awkward when your friends are around. I’m afraid to tell you this because I’m afraid I’ll scare you away. I’m just not sure if you feel the same way. I don’t know if maybe you’d want to make things official. 
I mean I guess the officiality doesn’t matter huh? Who needs titles?
Also, I don’t know how you feel. I don’t know if you still want to just stay as we are or if you want to be committed. I can’t read your mind and I’m too afraid to ask. I would love to be committed to you. I would love to be called your girlfriend and all that jazz. I know I said I didn’t want a relationship but my feelings for you are stronger than before and…I don’t know…it makes me rethink everything.
I’m not sure how you feel though. I feel like by telling you all of this I’m making you feel obligated to make things official. You don’t have to. I’m more than willing to wait and give you whatever time you need. Or even if you don’t want to be official like ever…that’s cool too I understand. I just wish I knew. But, again, I’m too afraid to ask.
Can I know how you feel? About me? About us? About us becoming official and like committed? Do you want it? Do you not? You always say I don’t open up to you but you don’t open up to me either… 
You’ve done so much for me and I can’t thank you enough. You’re and amazing guy and I don’t want to lose you. Thanks for being there and for giving me the push I needed to get up off my lazy ass and do stuff. 

Yours Truly,

Alessandra

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My Dearest Alessandra,

I would have to respond by saying you are cute and I like you a lot.  Sure I put up with a lot of shit but its been worth it honestly.  I love being around you and all the stuff we do and yeah.  I will not commit to this relationship however.  Not to make things awkward or anything but thats how I want things.  I am not going to run away and I’m not gona just use you then leave you…my reason for not moving forward is that I promised myself I would not be committed during college.  Especially now that I am joining ROTC the possibility that I wont be in one place…that I wont be able to settle down anywhere out of college and in all honesty I want to be able to follow the career that I’m building anywhere it takes me without worrying that the person I’m committed is waiting for me.  Sure if I’m being followed by someone thats a different story, but for my

College years I don’t want to be committed.  i know this isn’t really fair to you and i’m sorry if it upsets you but this is my decision.  its your choice if you want to stay where we are or calm things down a little but I’m happy keeping things where they are.  All this isn’t saying that I wont commit after college.  If things between us stay strong all 4 years and you decide that the career path i’m following is something you want to follow or is in a similar direction that you want to go then it might just work out that way.  One other reason I don’t want to commit is all the shit i’ve been through in the past.  I need a break…I know what we’re doing is pretty intense for just friends but I’ve been hurt a lot in the past and yeah.

so in short my answer is no, I don’t want to commit to this but I do very much like you and I am comfortable where we are.  If you are annoyed or scared or worried by something I do you can always talk to me, and we can try to sort stuff out…like if something is really bugging you about where we are we can talk about it.  I really am not that hard to approach i promise….i wont bite…unless i figure it’ll turn you on or if you bite me first…. 😀

Just know that I do really like you…and if you want to stick around with me…there is some baggage involved…I don’t come free…

I hope this dosent upset you

~Daniel

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So yea that was our conversation. Then we actually went on a walk last night and talked and I was like, "So you like me right?" and he was like, "Yea, its mainly because I made a promise to myself not to be committed in college."

So yea. I guess like had he not made that promise and stuff we’d be together. That’s how I’m thinking of it but maybe I’m wrong. What do you guys think?

I liked his comment about baggage. He acts like he doesn’t have to deal with my baggage either. We both have baggage and we both have had hard stuff to deal with in past relationships. So I think he made the best decision honestly. I mean when I think about it. I need a break from relationships too. I mean shit I’m still going through a tough time with my last one. *sigh* 

I’m more than willing to help him with his baggage and maybe even lighten it a little as much as I can. I gravitate towards people with baggage. It gives me someone to help and to take care of which I really love doing. I don’t think baggage is necessarily a bad thing. It depends on the person carries it I guess. I mean if their drama queens about it then yea its annoying but if they carry it like Daniel and I do it just makes me want to help people. 

 

I keep thinking about the Alex situation and now I’m just really upset again. It really bothers me. Then it bothers me more because it bothers me. I want to just let go and stop caring but like I really just can’t. 

*sigh* I’m going to go cry for a bit then take a nap. 

I don’t feel like doing anything today. Like at all. Thankfully I already got some of my public speaking work done during the class. I’m just going to sleep. Cry and sleep. That’ll be my day today. 

*Sigh* I wonder when Daniel will get tired of my mood swings. I wonder when I’ll fuck things up with him. Wont be long now since it’s already been about 2 months…I’ll give it 6 months…thats usually when guys get tired of me. 

I know I’m going to some how fuck this up…I just know it….

*sigh* good night

*Sandra*