just another one of those nights….

Excuse any spelling errors I recently had my nails done and got tips (fake nails) and I’m still not used to typing with them.

Yea…I’m in a crappy mood once again.

Still thinking/worrying about Alex. Why can’t I just get over him? I don’t know sometimes I think about it and I regret leaving him. We had something great and special. I loved him and he loved me. We were going to get married right out of high school. 
But at the same time I know he wasn’t the greatest boyfriend. He held me back. We just weren’t compatible anymore. He wasn’t like sexually attracted to me as much. The sex started going down hill. He stopped wanting to talk to me.

*sigh* but I still loved him. He was my first love. I loved everything about him. He was so sweet and always said nice things..well that kind of stopped…I don’t know…

I still hve this idealized picture of him in my head. I still have the image of him from before he started changing. I’m still in love with what he was and my brain wont realize that for whatever reason…he’s changed. He’s moved on. I’ve moved on. We’ve drifted. 

But, if I’ve moved on…why can’t I just let it go? I’m head over heels over Daniel. Crazy about him. Why do I still get upset over Alex? Why whenever one of "our songs" comes on do I feel like crying. I was listening to "Hate that I love you" (that is our legitimate song…the song we had our first kiss to) and I almost broke down. The only thing that kept me from actually crying was the fact that both Dana and Desiree were in the room and I’m not about to start randomly crying over this. 

I hate him. I hate that he can just exit my life and be completely ok but I’m the one sitting here crying over it. 

ugh I want to cry…but Daniel is coming back from his ride time in an ambulance pretty soon and yea….I gotta put on a good poker face.

I mean how sucky is that if I go crying to him over my ex….Like I actually want to keep Daniel around…I really don’t want to screw things up with him.

Though it is pretty inevitable with my running luck. I tend to fuck things up pretty easily with the people I like. I mean just look at Alex and I. Four years and I probably fucked something up on the way…too clingy…too emotional…too jealous…too high of a sex drive…I definitely fucked something up because I mean…how can a guy be madly in love with you one day and the next be an asshole….I definitely fucked up at some point…just wish I knew what I did so I don’t fuck thing up with Daniel..

I really like him….

anyway he’s back…poker face time 😀

night

*Sandra*