Better..

I couldn’t really sleep last night. I was tossing and turning basically all night. But it did give me a lot of time to think an reorganize my life and my priorities. I made a few decisions last time about what I need to do within these last few weeks of school.

Here’s a list:

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1) Send final note to Alex:
I went on facebook and messaged Alex. This was my final attempt at regaining something with him. I basically apologized for hurting him. I asked him to let me know whats going on. If he doesn’t want to talk anymore then let me know. He if needs time to let me know. I’m tired of being upset and waiting around. If he doesn’t answer…well I guess I got my answer then huh? I’m not going to let this bother me anymore. I mean yeah..I lost a friend. But, he treats me like crap…so why am I going to worry about it as much as I do if even at all? I need to to with him what I did with Eric…get over it. With Eric I basically woke up one day and said "I’m just not going to care anymore." and *POOF* it happened. So I need to harden my heart just a little and get over it. Honestly, after I hit send on that message I let go. I think I’m going to get everything he’s ever given me and just toss it. Daniel and I had a talk the other night, when I was upset about Alex and he even said that was like the only way…and he’s right. I mean I’m not getting rid of everything. Somethings I will keep..not because they still hold that sentimental value of Alex but because I honestly love them. Alex gave me my moon necklace…I have to keep that. I just can’t let go of that. It is what I wear to show the world that I am Pagan and I am proud. He gave me a few teddy bears and stuffed animals. I will not get rib of those because I love them. They became a part of my room and will throw everything off if they disappear. I never really thought of them as gifts anyway…once they ended up on my bed they became just another part of my collection. Material stuff like that I just need to detach the fact that Alex gave them to me. I mean of course theres somethings that I have to get rid of. Like the rings he’s given me..they aren’t just normal rings that I can wear. You can tell that they were like boyfriend/girlfriend rings or promise ring type things. So I’m getting rid of those. I need to find all of the letters and cards and throw them out. Anything I started making for him will be thrown out. I wish I could throw out memories. There are a lot of songs that remind me of him. But, eventually I’ll detach him from those as well. 

This happened. Alex and I broke up. It over. It’s done with. It was a good four year run. I can not look back..no matter what. Once everything is gone so is he. I will not go back to him. I’m done running to him at his beck and call. We can remain friends. But, a relationship will never happen again…

I can do this. 

2) Be more open with Daniel:
If I want anything to happen between Daniel and I, I have to be open with him. I keep hiding things from him. I tend to hide how I feel from him. I feel it hurts him in a way. I need to get over myself and talk to him when I’m upset, or just ask him straight out if I have a question. The key to any relationship (romantic or any other) is communication. I need to talk to him more. Be open and honest. He makes me feel better after I talk to him. So yeah..if I want this to go anywhere I need to start being open. It doesn’t have to go anywhere now but eventually I hope it does. 

3) I need to get my ass in gear:
I’m joining ROTC. I’m eventually going to be in the Army or the Guard. As of right now…that is not happening. Not if I keep doing what O’m doing with my life. I need to give myself another major kick in the butt and get my life together. I need to get my work done. I need to go to the gym/get myself physically fit. I need to develop some kind of work ethic. I have none right now and it’s literally killing my GPA. So yea I need to get my ass in gear. 

I always say I’m not special and I’m mediocre at best. That is because I don’t work my hardest at anything. I give up or get bored and I leave it there among the pile of faded dreams. I could be great. Everyone has the potential. It’s just up to me to actually use that potential. I waste my day away sleeping and not getting anything done. 

Time to get to work. I’m done being lazy. I’m done not doing anything with my life. I did well for a while but I reverted back to lazy me. Time to go back to hard working me. 

I can do this. I’ve done it before. I just got to keep it going. Not fall back into old habits. 

4) Live my life:
I’m not happy with what I’m doing now because I’m still worried about my mom. She is miles and miles away and she still has her death grip on my life. I’m done. I’m going to do what I want. I want to join ROTC. I’m joining ROTC. If she doesn’t like it then too damn bad. I stood up to her once. She was going to keep me home for college. According to her I was not going away. I did everything I had to and made sure I was away for college. And look where it got me. I’ve never been happier. I need to realize: She will never be happy with what I do because I do everything she doesn’t want me to do. We will never see eye to eye and I will never meet her expectations. 

I mean yea..i would love to have her be proud of me. I would love to have that amazing relationship where I can talk to her about anything and she will support me no matter what even if she disagrees with it. But, I just need to accept the fact that it will never happen. So once again..I need to harden my heart a little and just do what makes me happy. 

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Thats my list of goals and stuff that I came up with during my fitful night of non sleep. 

I’m not going to say I can do them…but I definitely wont say that I can’t do them. 

I have to take can’t out of my vocabulary. That is probably one of my biggest problems. 

I will try my hardest. I will need that extra push every now and then but that what I have Daniel for (and my future roommate Lani). 

I got this. 

OK. I’m going to go to sleep for like an hour or so because I’m tired and on the verge of not functioning. Then I will wake up and get my essay and speech done. That is the plan.

I got this..

*Sandra*