The Ten Greatest Songs of All Time

Dear reader, it is obviously no small undertaking to compile a list of the greatest songs ever. Such a task, truly can only be completed by our smartest, handsomest musical trivia geniuses. Luckily, seeing as I meet that description to a T, and can also totally bench press 300, here’s that list:

 

 

10. Jingle Bells (Traditional)

Jingle Bells is almost deceptively simple in its sly, enchanting lyric. For while on the surface, it’s about bells that jingle, it’s also about riding through the snow. And, as we all know, this represents death.

 

 

9. Edge of Seventeen – Stevie Nicks / Lindsay Lohan

For all intents and purposes, this is a tie, since I like the song as much by anyone, even that guy that plays it on a keyboard at my local budget Mexican Grill. I’ve embedded the Lindsay Lohan version just because it’s newer, and therefore cooler, and the pictures remind me of a time when Lindsay Lohan was actually pretty smokin’, as opposed to stumbling around in club-adjacent alleys looking like a dopesick runaway. Either way, a wonderful song about following your dreams.

 

 

8. The Happy Days Theme

The foremost reason I’ve included the Happy Days Theme is in due deference to Christgau’s Second Immutable Law of Aural Duration, which is that any song that lasts one minute and thirteen seconds represents a sonic ideal. Also, it gets me really excited that I’m about to start watching another great episode of Happy Days.

 

 

7. The Heart of Rock and Roll – Huey Lewis and The News

Huey’s magnum opus, surpassing even "Do You Believe in Love?", is such a success on so many levels it’s almost impossible to enumerate them. Where to begin really? That it names some cities I know? Its sunny breezy hooks? That it’s called "The Heart of Rock and Roll" opens with a heartbeat? Sheer fucking genius. On a personal note, when he’s naming cities, I always hope he’s going to name mine, but he never does.

 

 

6. Johann Sebastian Bach – Symphony Concertante for Violin & Cello in B Flat

I think we can all agree this represents JS Bach at his peak. Little known historical tidbit, it was actually written by Bach while serving in the trenches during the Franco-Prussian War, which led to the conflict’s cessation after it was heard by Napoleon, who was moved to tears by the piece, describing it as "like listening to an angel getting fisted."

 

 

5. Stairway to Heaven – Led Zeppelin

Easily Zep’s 4th greatest tune.

 

 

4. Eat It – Weird Al Yankovic

At first I was going to do Michael Jackson’s "Beat It", but then I thought, why not do Weird Al’s hysterical spoof?! It’s just as catchy as "Beat It’, but with much bigger laughs. Unless you, like me, always think Jacko is singing about masturbation, in which case "Beat It" is a lot funnier.

 

 

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3. The Heart of Rock and Roll – Huey Lewis and The News

You know what, I like "The Heart of Rock and Roll" so much I’m gonna let it be third too.

 

 

2. 4’33" – John Cage

If there’s one song I can never get out of my head, it’s 4’33". Talk about catchy! The tuba solo at 2:37 in particular I’ve always found delectable. It’s also peerless for setting the mood if you have a sexy lady over.

 

 

1. Music Sounds Better With You – Stardust

Because it’s all like "oomph oomph oomph oomph" then "wikky wikky" and then that part where it’s all "doo doo doo, doo doo doo" is the raddest thing ever. It almost makes you forget that the song is about Thomas Bangalter’s son drowning.