Lingering

I’ve come here so many times to talk to you, only to cancel out the entry, for the lack of coherent thought.

Since I spoke to you last, I had tried to contact Alan again, after having a bad morning one day, only to have him reject me again. I called his wife and left a message and she returned my call. She was direct but friendly, and apologised to me for getting so wrapped up in something she knows he perpetuated. He’s found Jesus again, so he wont be breaking his marriage vows agian, she said. Alot more was said but breaking it down for you will only throw me deeper into depression. I miss him, some days are better than most…..just wanted to throw that out there and tell you how I am feeling.

A nice distraction has been Hank. Met him as a client and we really clicked. Im not charging him anymore, because we have turned into good friends with benefits. He is a class act, a man with culture and intrigue. We get along very well and talk for hours on end. He is a marvelous, attentive lover. We are able to talk about our recently failed relationships…his was before mine. I let him talk more since I feel as resolved as I can feel about Alan since I had no options left. I think I am placed in Hanks life right now to help him move on. He’s caring and passionate and affectionate…its something we both crave so badly. We have already discussed that we adore how we are….no relationship…just companions who respect each other with no pressure and motive. He is tall and handsome…light hair and lovely green eyes. He lives in a top floor studio condo overlooking the city. An incredible view. His job affords him nice luxaries…and he spoils me with wine and candles, music and massage. My alternate lifestyle and reality is something I enjoy.

Just wish it was the reality and lifestyle that is a long lost dream now.