Greetings

Ive tried many times to come tell you whats going on in my life. Then the words wont come to me so I give up thinking Ill tell you when they come to me. They still havent come but Ill just again type until I cant type anymore.

Some of you have been reading me for years and know that I have depression. I take medication for it, and most of the time I feel just on the edge of being well most of the time. I have been seeing a psychologist for months now, talking out my feelings of tricotillomania, my rocky marriage, my wonderful, challenging role as mother to two adorable boys and my interpersonal relationships and lastly my adventures in escorting.

I dont know how many of you have experienced depression, whether it be personally experienced or know someone who has it. Its something I struggle with daily. A common misunderstanding from those who havent experienced it personally would say, "what do you have to be depressed about, you have  great life!" But it isnt a person’s life…its just something within my mind that makes me feel this way and no prodding and encouragement from others can change that…it is what it is. I have a great outgoing personality…did you know that? I make friends whereever I go…people like to tell me thier secrets and also seek out advice from me.

But when I cycle into the darker abyss, I distance myself from others. It becomes difficult to get out of bed or stay out of bed. If I didnt literally make myself get up to feed my kids and get Sean off to school…it wouldnt happen. So I suppose I could be worse and not even be able to do that. My best friend Gwen keeps tabs on me and if she hasnt heard from me will come drag me out of bed, bless her. I havent gotten to the point that I dont get up to take care of my 2 year old…but I feel like I could move in that direction. So the depression having become deeper is why I cant collect my thoughts and come here. But here I am, pressing myself not to amuse you actually, but to prove to myself I can just type and get it out. Please, please whatever you do, dont show me sympathy..I am not telling you about this for that….I just wanted to get it out. There are days and times of clarity and productivity, so thats a good thing.

When I went to FLA a month ago to see my older brother, we had a terrible falling-out. I really dont want to explain it all because the pain of what was said is still very raw in my mind. My brother and I are so very, very different..he is day and I, night. I think this disagreement will go down in history as the day that ended our friendship. I just cant seem to want to talk to him, and its a shame really, because when I hear of estranged families I sometimes ask a person if they really thought they could live with thier decision to end such a relationship. Having experienced the guilt I had after my father was killed in 1993…we hadnt spoken for months before he was killed….and for a while  I felt it was such wasted time…time that could have been better served getting closer…then again there is a decision that sometimes has to be made to save someone’s sanity. That is how I come to terms with the relationship I had with my dad at the time of his death..and how I will process the severing of the relationship with my brother. I have to to save my sanity. What will happen in the future, I cant tell you, but that is how I feel today. This arguement with my brother, tho, is partly of what has deepend my depression. Im (trying to) work(ing) through it.

Enough of that subject for now, because I dont know where to take it.

I have seen a handful of clients on better days…there isnt much to report there other than I think because I have lost the pleasure in my mind during these changes that I am not enjoying it as much. So, I wait…hoping this will pass. The client base I have now is a steady mixture of established and new clients…but since I havent been advertizing myself (since I dont feel like it) the new ones have been trickling in. I suppose in following up on emails, I do what I must do to maintain my finances and so on.

No love interests, and I run away if anyone even hints at the L word with me. Yes, clients think they fall in love with me. Ever since me and Alan broke up a year ago…no boyfriend, dont want one. I have nothing to give them anyway…I feel numb now.

My marriage is up and down, as always. Nothing much to say there. J got a huge raise and thats great because he really deserved it. None of us are paid for what we are worth and it will ease up some of the financial burdens we have. Some days he tries to be attentive and loving..most days I feel liek we are roomates with kids. He’s a great father to them.

My kids Connor, 2, and Sean, 6, are doing really well. Sean is excelling in 1st grade..loves his new teacher. He is taking soccer at the Y and also a skills class for soccer. He loves the sports and kicks butt. Since winter is fast-approaching, I am signing him up for Karate after the soccer session ends. I hear from clients that it is an awesome sport for little boys to get into to build self confidence and discipline. My relationship with Sean has improved now that he is getting older. Thank the goddess for that.

Connor appears older than 2. He is a big kid with huge gray-blue eyes and dimples to melt your heart. He is cheerful and loving and says hello to anyone within earshot. I recently started him in a parent-tot gymnastics class that he attends once a week. He loves it. Though he is very articulate for his age, saying gymnastics comes out more like "Mnactics". Hard word.

So, life goes on…just trying my best to get through this rough patch I am in emotionally. I went to go see a doc yesterday about getting on Buspar for anxiety and Xanax to calm the hell down…but walked out after waiting for 2…TWO…hours to see the doc. Went to my therapist and he listened to me …and now seeking out a new doc for medication. So, Im trying…I know I wont get better until I make myself seek out the help. I recognize the severe changes in me but feel powerless to change it on my own…but I think that because I realised I was getting so bad, thats a good thing. I dont feel suicidal at all so dont be concerned about that….just have this want to be totally alone.

Im ok…Ill be ok. As Im sure you’ve noticed Ive noted on some of your diaries, I am reading tho not always noting. But…think good thoughts and I know what goes down always goes back up.

Ciao