Finally

I am going to see my therapist, Dr. C. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen him. During my stepford wife time period I was ok for the most part. I was recovering from all that crap. Kept my life uncomplicated I guess. Atleast it felt that way but there was an undercurrent always flowing.

Then Joe. Im not saying he has been in any way a bad influence but seeing him again and all these conflicting feelings and sadness of him going to Afghanistan has left me quite rattled. The days are going by too quickly. At first they said deployment was Dec. 15 and now they are telling him anytime from the 16th through the 21st of Dec.

Hearing his voice, the strain he is going thru mentally preparing himself, listening to him telling me what is going in 3 of the huge bags he is packing to take with him like his chemical gear incase of a gas attack. Forget what I may be feeling…what is he feeling because most soldiers put their bravest face forward dont they? They want everyone at home to think they are ok, they are strong and they can handle it but in reality any human would be scared to death to enter such a dangerous zone.

Some people have said..well he’s signed up for this, he knew the risks, blah blah blah. Yes, but those words dont hold the weight of the reality of real war. I cant imagine what its like trying to sleep with mortor attacks or bombings within hearing distance, can you? What about the thought of each step you take could be your last while he is searching for IED’s?

Do you see what I mean here?

So, Ive been faking an trying to keep it all positive with him. Trying to not be emotional when I talk to him. So that makes two of us faking, trying to fool the other.

I bought him an mp3 player and filled it to the brim with all his favorite stuff. Hoping that since he is stopping in another country for cultural training on his way to Afghan that the music will give him some comfort. He bought a laptop to keep in touch with me and his family but he is hearing conflicting news whether there is internet access where he is going. I know the possibility that it may be a month or more before I get first word. I can barely go a few hours without talking to him, thinking of it being Feb. before I hear some word kills me.

Sending him a package today with the mp3 player and a few more things I know he likes. I can’t really send him much because anything he has he has to carry. Ive already been buying stuff for his care packages like razors, shave gel, toothpaste, etc. Stocking up slowly so John doesnt know. Btw, John does know Im talking to him, he doesnt like it too much given our history but I told him he is someone I really care about who is going off to war, Im not about to abandon him. I guess John doesnt feel too threatened by that because he didnt say anything after that. He knows how I am. I mean the guy is going on the other side of the planet. But my heart, I know, is going right along with him.

So, anyway. This is whats occupying my mind for now. Need to shower to get to my doc appt here soon. Boy, will he be surprised to see me again.

 fo