Checking In

I am just checking in to let you guys know I really appreciate your thoughts, hugs and private notes.

This has been very hard on me, harder then in times past when men have broken my heart. This was so unexpected. He has not contacted me at all. I was so sure he was the one. He seemed sure until he realised he wasnt strong enough.

I attended a funeral last week of  a friend who died from a fast-moving cancer. He was only 44 years old. His name was Al and I knew him for about 3 years or so. I called Alan to let him know Al died, left a message, I thought I would hear back from him but havent. I have given up all hope he will call me ever again. He blocked all numbers or changed all numbers and had them unlisted.

No one in my real life lets me talk about him. They so easily tell me to forget him and move on. I wish someone would let me talk about him, its like he didnt even exist. He existed, he’s out there somewhere living his life, and I wonder if he thinks about what we had. I’ve been so numb I hardly cry. I try to not think about him but its very difficult. In the short amount of time that we knew each other, I can say we knew each other extremely well. I miss him so much. So many of my clients ask if they can take his place and be my boyfriend (which means, free sex) and I politely tell them FUCK NO. I am never ever in my life going to let anyone get close to me. Want to fuck me? Fork up $200/hr.

I hope Alan reads my reviews from clients about our encounters. I know it kills him to know I went back to escorting. Apparently, that is what I was good for for him, so what difference does it make if I get paid for what we did. I’d be a millionaire.

Yes Im hurt, yes Im embittered. I just want the day to come that I cant remember things about him or think about him….all without the fleeting thought of taking a whole bottle of something to help me….