And She Returns

Here I am again. Im laying in bed late at night, forcing myself to purge all that is in my mind to you. Thanks for taking the time to read.

Monday and Tues were a blur, I did alot of running around getting errands done and took time to get my nails done. Last night I stayed up way too late watching a movie on my laptop; United 93. Not really a movie to watch if you want to have happy feelings. Still, I wanted to see it, to understand in some wierd way what the passengers experienced that day. Talking to my guy friend, B., the last few months renewed my curiousity about the WTC attacks. He was a FDNY fireman and was present there that day. He also lost his wife of 20 years in theTower 1 collapse. I cant get my head around it all, I suppose I dont really need to, or perhaps its one of those things that I will never understand. I dont understand in general how wickedness exists like that. I dont understand this war. I dont understand the politics that surround it. Its too frightening to think about. After hearing Bush’s speech tonight, I still dont understand that man. I’ve talked to several people who have done one or more tours in Afganistan and Iraq, and what I hear from them leaves me even more frustrated. They are training the Iraqi police and military…but they dont want to be trained. Our people are coming back numb and afraid trying to get back into civilian life. Normalcy is foriegn to them when they return.

Anyway. I digress. Not something I need to think about now right before I shut down my puter for the night. No matter when I think about it, I wont ever understand.

The Biz has been excruciatingly slow for me. Ever since I lost my apartment, hardly anyone has inquired for my services. I checked with a local madam to see if there were any kind of rumors floating around about me about the visit from the wife or LE (law enforcement). No, she said. I asked for advice on how to revitalize my business. People tell me its because its still too close to the holidays and that men are recovering financially from Christmas. Everyday that goes by I get more worried about paying off my Pier One bill (where I bought the furnishings for my now gone apartment) I am current on my payments but come the first of the month I will owe more.

I am fighting off posting on the escort boards that I am retiring from the biz. Im trying to be patient to see if things turn around. The thought of only being a stay-at-home mom again bothers me…I am so used to having tons of money. Now I basically have none and doing things like I used to seem so long ago. Very difficult to go from having a grand in my purse at any given time to nothing. I wont really miss the men but will miss the excitement. I dont do well when Im bored. God, I sound like such a whiney brat…sorry. Its really only to you I can say exactly what I am feeling…thanks for letting me do that.

The last thing I will say about that for now is that I am going to give it 2 more weeks and if things dont pick up, Ill be posting my retirement notice to my advertizing sites. I am thinking March 1 is the end. The end.

What else? Guess there isnt much else to talk about…life otherwise is blissfully boring. Kids are doing great. Sean is totally amazing us with school. He learns so quickly…he’s so smart. I love that child so so much. Connor…that little bugger….so adorable. Sean is about to turn 7 on Jan 20th and Connor turns 3 on Feb 10th. Ive been planning thier parties. John is doing well but I hardly see him…he is working all of the time. We do alot with the kids on the weekend.

My best friend is having a tummy tuck next week. She will be out of commision for several weeks and my part is helping her, making her comfortable when she needs me and also dressing changes. Gonna be a long road to recovery. Lucky girl, I know she will love her new look.

Well, I am shutting the puter down now…thanks for listening. Goodnight and see you all soon.