going going going going going going

I have been awake for twenty-four hours now. At one point, this amount of wakefulness would have left me drooling and grasping for words. I’m not very eloquent at the level of sleep deprivation, but I can function.

Conjuction junction, what’s your function.

I don’t really make sense half of the time, but that’s okay. I’m comfortable with it.

I’m feeling stressed. Tired. Hungry. Upset.

Lately I’ve been angry at my mother for many things. Mostly her actions and her lack of understanding/interest in me. She rarely goes out of the way for me. She makes me feel guilty for everything that she does for me. I can’t be mad at her without feeling guilty. It’s the cancer. That’s why. She almost died and now it’s not okay for me to be mad at her.

Whenever I speak to her it’s all about her. The phone conversations are one sided. I get to say a few sentences, but that’s it. Then it’s back to her and what she’s doing. Shouldn’t she be interested in the events of my life? Shouldn’t she have an urge to ask me the occasional question? Dammit. Ask me a question so I can be evasive.

Our relationship hurts me. She told me that she would come to the test tasting weekend, but no. She’s not coming. I’m going to be severely outnumbered by Dave’s family and it’s upsetting me. I’m displacing my anger inappropriately on his family for my own family’s inadequecy.

New thought. We pay the security deposit on Sunday. It’s going to be H-O-T. A three bedroom apartment just for Dave and I. That’s so much space. It has a sweetass balcony a washer and dryer and so many other wonderful features. Including! We can have a dog! YAY!

I’m feeling stressed about the wedding. Planning is no fun anymore. I feel like I’m the only one working on it. That if it sucks it’s my fault. That I’m going to be the only one doing anything.

Then again, I’m functioning on low levels of sleep. It’s similiar to low batteries. Seriously.

too bad I don’t have long ears and a drum.