What I Should Have Said to You, 2012

Every year I go back through my experiences and jot down anonymous open letters to people I love, people I loathe and people I should have shut down if only I’d been able to think of a cool retort in time. This is where I put them.

I don’t know YOU and you don’t know me, so I can’t figure out for the life of me why you (think you) like me so much. Or if I like you in return. Or if I care enough to figure it out.

YOU keep saying you love me, and I always wondered why I never felt loved. Now I know it’s because you don’t have one fucking clue in hell what love is and how to do it. I still feel unloved, but now I know it’s not entirely my fault.

YOU need to be medicated. No, seriously, you really do because you’re like a human minefield. I did it, and somewhere, someone on their ‘YOU’ list is thanking me for it.

I’m only a little sorry I yelled at YOU. It’s partly my fault for assuming YOU were a tolerant, forward-thinking, compassionate, enlightened human being when I had absolutely no evidence to support it. Also, ‘homophobia’ is a misnomer—you’re not afraid, you’re just an ignorant asshole.

I hope YOU get over whatever it is you’re pissed at your sister about. She’s an amazing human, your nieces are adorable, and you’re missing it all. I mean this kindly but get over yourself and get back to us.

I don’t know who told YOU it was okay to lie, steal, stalk and hallucinate in public, but you should shoot them. You know, in your head, where you’re a total badass who can do anything. Also, there is only one me and I’m it, so fuck off.

YOU were available and willing and very, very flattering at a time when that was exactly what I needed. But let’s not get it twisted—you’re not Alec to my Kim, dude. Keep moving.

I was shocked and hurt when YOU chose to side with the enemy, but I’m over it now so you can save your Eeyore eyes and melodramatic, woe-is-me declarations for someone stupid enough to ride along on your guilt trips.

YOU were terrifying by reputation, reserved and off-putting at first interaction, but eternally inspiring by the time we were through. If I weren’t so intimidated I’d tell you how amazing you are to your face.