Dear Mom
Do you think Im stupid?
Dont answer that. I know what youll say. Youll go on about how smart I am, and how you were just telling someone the other day how lucky you are to have such a smart daughter, and youll gush about how beautiful I am, how I work so hard, and and you know what? I dont care what you say about me, because I know the truth. I see what youre doing, even if you dont. Im not stupid.
Just because you refuse to look at the truth doesn’t mean its not there. Deep in your heart of hearts, in that black darkness that harbors your most hateful thoughts, selfish impulses, and shameful memories, lies the truth youre afraid to know; the fact that I am less important to you because I am childless.
Ill give you a moment to process that.
Now before you go sputtering and protesting that its not true, that you love me with a mothers unquestioning love, that all your children are equally valuable to you, let me tell you how I know. I know because in your own way, you’ve already confessed. Confused? Let me explain.
I’ve learned the hard way that you discover the truth about whats really important to someone by looking at where they invest their resources time, money, energy. Thats where their real priorities lie, regardless of what else they tell you. Since the grandkids came along, you and Dad have changed your whole lives to revolve around them. Dont get me wrong, Im not disparaging your dedication; I think its great that youre such involved grandparents. But you keep telling me that youre not playing favorites, that you dont value me less, and that the only reason you dont spend time with me is because you just cant find a way. Then your excuses all mysteriously dissipate when theres a grandkid involved. That speaks volumes of truth that drown out all your weak protests to the contrary.
Need proof? Well, I left home in 2001, and in ten years youve visited me exactly twice. Lets compare that to the past two years, in which you’ve flown out to California how many times? Three? And visited Virginia what, five times a year? I get it. You couldn’t miss the birth of your fourth and fifth grandkids or Lexies first birthday. You cant not visit Jamies kids when theyre only a six-hour drive from home. After all, what kind of grandparents would you be if you didnt give everything you have to be with them? Even if it means theres nothing left over for your other child, the one who doesnt have kids. Even if you have to lie to me and to yourself about it so you dont have to face the truth.
I think Ive been pretty understanding about it until now. When you said you didnt have money for a plane ticket, I let it go until after you flew out to Kevins for Lexies birthday. When I asked you again, you said you couldnt come without Dad, and Dad couldnt get the time off work, so I dropped it until after you flew across the country to welcome Ava. When I asked you to come spend a weekend with me, you said your hip hurt too much to travel, so I let it go until after the next trip to Virginia. When I extended my last invitation to you and Dad to spend a week here, you said you couldnt leave Molly for that long, and as a loving pet owner, I didnt argue. Even when I suggested you drive down and bring her along and you said you didnt want to spend that much time with Dad in the truck, I didnt argue. You said you didnt trust anyone to take care of her, and that one more time leaving her would probably do her in. So I dropped it. Id hate to see Molly suffer, too.
So imagine my surprise when I called home to wish my dad a happy Fathers Day, and a strange voice told me you were in Virginia and that she the new dog-sitter was watching Molly. I thought, Well, maybe its just for the weekend, because after all, youd told me you couldn’t leave her for longer than that. Imagine my shock when I found out you were spending nearly ten days with Kevin and Jamie and their families. That was when I realized youd risk everything, including your dogs health and happiness, for them. For them, you found a way. For them, you always find a way. For me? Nothing but excuses.
Im not asking you to visit me more. Im not asking for you to be more supportive or loving or attentive. I dont need that, and you can keep your money, too. I have a good life that I love, and Im not going to be bought off or ruin it with a kid I dont want just so I can finally be important to my family. I really dont care whether you see my choices as valid; I do, and thats what matters. And honestly, Im fine being alone, because Im used to it. But Im not okay with being jerked around, manipulated, and lied to, even unwittingly. Your ignorance of your own motives is no longer a valid excuse. Its time to come clean.
All Im asking is that you be honest with yourself, even if you cant be honest with me. Take a look into that inner darkness and face the knowledge that your daughter, because she has created a life for herself without children, is somehow less important. Look that truth square in the eye. Own the fact that, yes, that makes you an imperfect mother. Accept that its unfair to move heaven and earth for your grandkids when you wont even use a free ticket to see your other child, and accept what that says about who you are. Admit it. Thats all I ask.
And I dont want to hear from you until you do.