What was I thinking?

Last October, after 3 years of regular abuse from my manager/supervisor then ultimately colleague I flipped my desk and abruptly resigned my position after a 30 day leave of absence that I was hoping would be the time away I needed to NOT throw in the towel.

The following is long winded, rambling and I can’t make this shit up, it all really happened.  I have culpability for not setting firm boundaries.  Sorry for the typos, this was pretty much a brain dump to get started.

In the winter of 2018 the Senior Underwriter that I had developed a friendship with called me into her office and asked if I would ever be interested in being an Underwriter.  I had been processing mortgages for almost 15 years at that point and always said in the right scenario I would consider making the step forward.  I told her I would consider it depending on who the manager would be.  She informed me that she had just been told she was being promoted to a manager position and that they would have two openings for Underwriters that she would need to fill.  Foolishly, I agreed to apply for the position once it was posted.  By spring they were interviewing and I was up for the position along with two long term employees of the company.  I was pretty sure I would not get the position since I had been with the company for just a little over a year.  Much to my surprise and to the shagrin of the other applicants I was offered the job; while the other position was extended to an outside applicant.  The VP of our department, came over to my desk and hugged me and told me how proud he was and that he knew I would continue to excel.  This meant a lot to me, as I actually liked this VP and respected him.  Even two other underwriters from the consumer side that I looked up to came over and congratulated me and told me they weren’t surprised I got the position.  I was in shock.  My transition date was set for 30 days out because they did not have a mortgage loan processor to take my pipeline.

The newly minted manager decided that I would take over assigning files to our outside contractor right away as part of my new duties; prior to my transition date I was asked to take this over on top of working on my active processing files.  The processing manager was not happy about it, but wasn’t willing to cross the Underwriting manager because she passive aggressive and people who went against her tended to feel her wrath.  Stupidly since I had never managed to cross her, I had never experienced her passive aggressive side, had I not been such a freaking people pleaser I would have seen this for the red-flag that it was.  This behavior of throwing duties at me that were not in my job description became indicative of my entire time working with her (but I’m getting ahead of myself).  Each morning before I could even touch a processing file, I had to sit with the Senior Underwriter who had been assigning the files for YEARS, so that she could teach me the overly complicated process she had put in place.  Once she felt I had a grasp of HER way, I was allowed to do the assignments on my own; each morning before I could touch my processing files.  This situation became semi-beneficial for me as my time in Underwriting progressed because I became friendly with the contract underwriters and they were eager to share their knowledge (since training by my new manager was a joke, but again getting ahead of myself).

Once I was flying solo on the assignments, I received an email from the Underwriting Manager, who cc’d my Processing Manager and Supervisor advising of the shadowing and training scheduled she had prepared, all of which was set to take place prior to my transition date.  The Processing manager tried to push back stating I had a full dance card and that this training/shadowing shouldn’t be taking place until after my transition date.  Princess Passive Aggressive got her way and I was stuck juggling both positions even well after my transition date because I ended up having to keep my pipeline because the processor they hired to replace me had LIED on her resume and couldn’t handle my work load and the Processing manager felt it wasn’t fair to him that I had been used by underwriting during my last 30 days in his department.  Yep, I was one lucky pawn.

My shadowing had VERY little to do with underwriting and had more to do with the flow of a loan.  Um hello, I have been with the company for over a year and was in the industry for 15 years prior to coming to work for the company, I know how a loan works.  But the Underwriting Manager wanted to prove that she had what it took to design a comprehensive training program (because she felt firmly she should be over the enter mortgage department, getting ahead of myself again) and myself along with the other new hire were her guinea pigs.  I knew I had a lot to learn, though I had been processing and working closely with underwriters for years, I had never underwritten (except for playing the game of beat the Underwriter, where I would make every effort to NOT have a file go back to Underwriting more than once).

When my transition day finally came I was informed by my “New” manager that she would be the one that would be training me; but that she wanted me to shadow two of the other underwriters to get a feel for how they underwrote files as well.  I was game for learning as much as I could from whomever was willing to share knowledge, boy oh boy was it a joke.  I spent entire days just sitting and watching as someone underwrote files; all while taking copious notes and asking tons of questions.  Then when I did sit with the manager, I learned that she definitely allowed a ton of personal bias and jealousy of other people’s situations to impact her underwriting (something an underwriter shouldn’t do).  She even punished borrowers if she didn’t like the processor, MLO or MLC who submitted the file.  I was in shock.  During the time I was in training they were also launching our outside originations group, and since she was FIRMLY against it she was the soul underwriter for it and was going to use it for my training files.  I was ok with this, since I had extensive experience dealing with this style of lending.  After about a week she advised me that she didn’t have time to train and that she was releasing me to underwrite and that I would have to send her my files for 2nd level review until she felt I knew what I was doing (it would take days and sometimes over a week to hear back on my files).  About 30 days after that she showed up at my desk with my installment of lending authority and stated that she felt that I should be an senior underwriter and that she was going to push to get me bumped up to that position, simply what it boiled down to is she wanted a feather in her cap that she had selected and groomed and Underwriter that excelled quickly… This became a theme throughout my time working with her.

My authority was limited, which was to be expected for a brand new underwriter.  So a good chunk of my files still had to go through her for 2nd level review.  Thankfully I still had processing files to fill in my down time, since I was still saddled with those.  The processing manager actually came to me at one point and apologized for making me a pawn in his conflict with my manager, but appreciated that I still gave all of my files the gold standard in care.  Why I wouldn’t continue to treat my borrowers with the respect they deserves was beyond my comprehension so it wasn’t a stretch for me.

All of my denial files had to go through the manager which she would over turn my decision (which multiple exceptions being made on the files) to “help the new MLOs build their business”; and when she gave me poor instructions or her personal bias showed through and someone complained about my altered decision (which was only changed due to her feedback) she would throw me under the bus like I was the problem, not her.  One day the VP stopped me as I walked by his office and asked I was doing.  I told him I wanted to refrain from comment because I was trying to keep a positive attitude about my job, but that I had regrets about taking the position.  As he always had he was supportive and told me if I needed to talk his door was always open.

About two months in a borrower sent a multiple page email to the CEO of the company complaining about a decision I had issued (that was altered by my manager) because the MLO had read the borrower our internal underwriting notes to the borrower.  Instead of admitting she had giving me incorrect guidance on how to structure the notes on the file, the manager “coached” me and gave me a verbal to cover her ass.  After she walked away from my desk, I got up and went to the VPs office and asked if I could bend his ear for a minute.  He invited me in and closed the door (mind you there was very little privacy in this office because his office was a glass box, so everyone could see who was in his office).  I proceeded to tell him I completely understood why the borrower was upset and why he had asked my manager to speak with me; but that I wanted to make sure he was aware I didn’t agree with how the decision was presented by the MLO to the borrower and that I was told by my manager to place the notes I did even though I felt advising the MLO to review the guidelines would have been a better approach.  He was surprised that my manager had instructed me to place such a note and gave me his personal guidance on how to note a file.  I thanked him and said that this was an excellent learning experience for me and that I appreciated his time.  He thanked me for my feedback on the manager and said the coaching would not be reflected anywhere as he had concerns when he was talking to my manager that the decision hadn’t come from me and I was just doing as instructed but that she was adamant that I must not have understood her guidance (I sent him her guidance email just so he could let me know if I missed the boat and I hadn’t since I literally took her rewrite of my decision and posted it).

Being the scapegoat and dumping ground for this manager became a theme with me.  She would pull me to create training material; though I wasn’t even fully trained myself because she wasn’t computer savvy and she considered me a techie.  Since she did not like underwriting for the Outside Originations group and they wanted a dedicated underwriter for it; she shoved me (a super inexperienced underwriter) into the position.  Thankfully the volume wasn’t huge; because she also delegated me to “train” the new MLOs and provide materials to help them take better loan applications.  I worked about 10-12 hours a day because she wanted me there when she was there because the MLOs worked all the time and I needed to be available. I stupidly didn’t push back on this because I wanted to succeed and felt that stating that they only paid me for 40 hours a week would hurt my career.  It was exhausting and some of my colleagues hated me because they felt of I was a “favorite” though they didn’t know everything that was being dumped on me.

A year in to position and an Underwriter, I was had been released to full lending authority (except for exceptions and denials because I was very conservative with them; after having the manager give conflicting information so many times I kept strictly within the guidelines).  The VP was pleased with my progress and so was my Director; though my manager was still claiming to my face she was fighting for me to be a Senior Underwriter (which I didn’t feel I was) she was still bad mouthing me behind my back to the VP and Director stating I wasn’t ready and she wasn’t sure when I’d be ready.  I was invited to a conference call along with one of my colleagues for the new software system the company had selected.  Both of us thought we were invited to the call because we had been part of the focus groups to give our wish list of things we’d like for the software.  What were soon found out was that we were being made the primary point of contact for the software conversion for our department and would be working with IT customizing the software and testing all issues, as well as writing training material.  After the call was over my colleague called me and we were both in shock because the rest of the people on the call were managers and supervisors; we both confirmed neither of us knew about this.  So we called our manager to find out what was going on.  She said, “Whoops, I’ve been so busy I forgot to tell you guys we selected you to be our department SME (subject mater experts) and that our SLAs would be updated to reflect this so we weren’t expected to complete the same volume of loans as the other Underwriters in our department.  Then we were told that I would be doing the Underwriting side and that my colleague would be doing the employee loan side.  What I didn’t know is that I would be doing all of it, and he would just be customizing off of my work which meant he didn’t have to do much of anything but still got full credit for being a SME.  Mind you my SLAs/Volume where never adjusted because per the manager we were shorted handed and she didn’t have anyone to push the Outside Originations too, so I was working 12+ hours a day to keep up.  I didn’t work remotely at this point, so I was gone from my home more than I was there.

Though I understand computers, I am FAR from an IT person.  I was fortunate to have a great working relationship with the IT team, and they all were upset that my manager and my colleague basically dumped this enormous project on me; even managers from other departments voiced concerns but also thanks because I gave in my all and would troubleshoot issues with the departments so we could get this project done.  Though they were thankful to have me on the project because they knew my manager would have been useless on the project they also felt bad because I was the most junior on the team and was being required to work at a level on management and cover for my manager in the meetings for the project as well as when she was on vacation.  She would tell me and anyone that would listen that she was doing this to help me become a manager as the team grew.  We were all like, hey why not let me become a freaking Underwriter before pushing me to management for fucks sake.

The pandemic hit…  My manager was firm she didn’t want us working from home because she liked having us in the office (because she legit had no friends outside of the office, so office time was social hour for her).  Then upper management made the decision, we are sending people home.  She advised us that only half of us were going home; and its as only the Seniors (and conveniently I wasn’t a senior yet though my counterpart on the project was because he was a former manager that was demoted and moved into Underwriting-He was one of her besties).  Then later in the date the Head of Buildings/Maintenance and Company IT stated they would not put their staff at risk for exposure to covid while maintaining the company properties and that if it was absolutely necessary for us to be in the office (and that they knew for a fact most companies has their Underwriters working remotely), we needed to be sent home.  We were literally sent home a few hours later.  It was a mess but I was happy because I was getting anywhere from 2-3 hours of my day back because traffic was no joke.  Ah but was I really getting that time back… NOPE; I ended up working more hours because we got hit with a HUGE influx of files, plus the software conversion project was being ramped up because we were getting closer to the end of the contract for the existing software.  Yippee!!!

As my two year anniversary in the department approached, people were getting promoted over me I expressed concern to my manager and she said, I she was still fighting for me to be a Senior but because the VP had said I had to be in my position for at least two years he hands were tied.  So I accepted it and continued trudging forward.  Then my anniversary arrived and I was told it would still be awhile before they made me a senior because I wasn’t working as a full-time underwriter because of the software project.  I put my foot down at that point and stated, that I would no longer be working 12+ hours a day as a full-time underwriter as well as a project lead for a software conversion that was well above my pay grade.  Especially since my counterpart in the project had literally done NOTHING but was a Senior purely because when they demoted him it was the only way from impact his pay (I had to train him in underwriting and answer questions for him, so yep, I was no longer willing to be a doormat).  I was exhausted; working so many hours with partial equipment because when they sent us home they didn’t have enough monitors for us to go home with two each like we had in the office.  Though this is totally a first world problem, when you have always had two monitors in doing your job and it was necessary in a paperless environment (and you knew of other companies that provided three for their Underwriters) you just want the bare minimum that you have had in the past.  Plus being secluded at home with little support because my manager literally would disappear from her desk for hours so no one could reach her; yet she complained all the time there were enough hours in the day for her to do her job.  Shortly after putting my foot down, I was promoted to Senior Underwriter, but no official announcement was made until months later.

The VP called me and told me he was proud of how far I had come and what I had accomplished and did a pulse check to see how things were with the manager.  When I expressed  frustration over being my manager’s dumping ground he advised that things were in the works to restructure the department and that he wasn’t happy with her for passing off the duties for the software project on me, but that it had definitely been noticed by upper manager that I had stepped up and was regularly mentioned during meetings at the executive level for having worked out issues with our IT department and the Software Developer.  He even mentioned me moving over to the IT department to be a dedicated engineer for this new software.  Though I appreciated the accolades, I wanted to do the job I was promoted to do and had worked me whole career to achieve.

Fast forward a few months, I was approved to move out of state to be closure to my family.  The pandemic really made me think about how fleeting time was, and how I almost never got to see my family up north.  My manager was NOT happy that I reached out to HR and got the general information, so she made sure that I was stuck in a footprint state.  Meaning I could only move to where we were actively lending on mortgages.  Though my family was further North, I was willing to do what was necessary to get closer and moved to the most northern point I could go.  My manager did nothing but complain about this because she considered me her best friend…  Lord only knows how this nut case treated her worst enemies (I’d find out later) if how she treated me was how she treated her friends.  Things got worse, more projects, more demands on my hours, while nothing changes for any of my colleagues.  It was all under the guise she was grooming me for a management position; which I had zero interest in, but she had plans that I was the only person she wanted to work with when the team was split into two teams.  Of course, she wanted that because at that point she was controlling me like a well trained dog (I know I have HUGE culpability in this situation for allowing the behavior, its not lost on me what I allowed is what continued).

In the fall, I had two job offers from other companies with pay rates $20K to $30K higher than what I was making (our company was notorious for paying way below market) and I would only be underwriting and would be getting the training I so desperately wanted to be able progress in my career.  My training with my current position had ended after a few months because my manager didn’t want to be bothered and felt we’d just all figure it out so there was never any additional training, continue ed, NOTHING.  I accepted the lower of the two offers because the training offered by the company was second to none and I knew the underwriters because I had been working with them as they were our contractors.  I gave my two weeks notice and promised I would make sure that all of my projects and work would be properly transitioned once I was told who would be handling them.  I prepared project jobs, updated spreadsheets and was ready to move on.  Then two of my colleagues gave two weeks notice (none of us were happy our manager was shit).  You could hear the upper management suite shit the bed; they were losing 3 of 7 underwriters all at once.

My heart was torn, not because more people were leaving but because I didn’t hate the company, I hated my manager and her manipulative bullshit.  The next day the VP called me and offered me $5k a year more to stay.  I laughed and said No and then said even if I did accept he would have to do something for my entire department as no one was paid even close to market, that I wouldn’t accept less than an across the board increase for the underwriters to bring them all to market (I knew this was far fetched and it would hopefully end any further negotiations).  A week went by and zero update on who I was transferring projects too.  I reached out to my manager and her director, radio silence. I expressed concern to the Head of Mortgage IT during a one one one call we were troubleshooting an issue on and she informed me that my resignation had made it to the CEOs desk and they were trying to figure out a counter offer to get me to stay.  I laughed, as I was becoming a disgruntled and my manager’s toxic attitude had rubbed off.  I was a shell of my former self.  I no longer worked 12+ hours a day.  I was working my minimum 40 hours, no extra work and that was it (trust me my manager was NOT happy about it).  I literally left general conference calls if it was time for me to log off for the day.  I wasn’t going to kill myself anymore, I was leaving.  Then on the Wednesday before my last day, I get a text message at 6 pm to please sign back on the VP wants to talk to me.  Well why the hell couldn’t it wait until Thursday morning.  LOL. But since I actually liked my VP I hopped back online.  He immediately apologized for the lateness and advised that he needed board approval (there had been a scheduled board meeting for that day) for what he was about to offer.  He had presented to the CEO and the Board my demand of an across the board pay increase for the department as everyone was paid well below market; and the Board approved it for all but one of the two other underwriters that was leaving since she had already negotiated a pretty decent salary when she got hired on (yet another reason I had started looking for a new job).  I was floored and I told him I needed to discuss it with my husband.  He understood that I was fed up with my direct management team at that point since I was doing project they dead to rights should have been doing.  He had repeatedly told me the only reason he didn’t push the project back to them is because I was getting them done and my management team wouldn’t get them done.  I even told him at one point then he needed to reassess the people he had sitting in those seats so that I could hand the projects over to a more competent management team.  He even alluded to moving being made to get rid of my managers boss.  I discussed the offer with my husband; he knew I was torn and supported whatever I decided.  I called the VP the next morning and excepted but told him I was out the second my management team started their shit again.  The other two underwriters left. I stayed because 1 I liked everyone BUT my management team and 2 we had weathered two slow downs in the business during my time with the company and they never laid anyone off.  He literally giggled with joy that I had decided to stay and told me to reach out him if anything went off the rails.  I hated who I had become, I was not a whiner.  I always just did what was asked of me; but doing most of my manager’s job and getting crapped out had taken its toll.

Fast forward two months.  Two freaking months and I was regretting my decision to stay.  I had even said as much to the VP when he touched base with me and told me that the restructure was coming but it was going to take time because the director above my manager had threatened to sue the company if she was forced out.  After being forced to cancel a vacation that had been planned a year prior I broke down on a call with the head of the Mortgage IT Department.  I was sobbing because I was mentally, physically and emotionally drained.  I was so embarrassed; this was no way to be professionally.  I was no longer me, I had become a victim whining train wreck.  The head of Mortgage IT pulled the VP onto the call; he begged me not to quit, then told me he would talk to my management team, But that I needed to be ready for the blow back.  At that point I didn’t care, I was dead inside.  I hated my job, my confidence was gone, I was embarrassed that I had stayed.  Boy oh Boy was there blowback.  My director punished me by basically stripping me of my underwriting pipeline and telling my entire team that I was not up to the job of underwriting any longer while I was working on the software project, ultimately telling them I was lazy which pissed them all off; though they did not know what all the project involved and how many hours a day I worked between underwriting and the project itself.  Plus listening to my manager’s toxic vent sessions every time we talked had warped how I viewed everyone; and this is something she had done since the very beginning of me moving to the department.  She even talked shit about her manager friend who was demote and moved over to underwriting.

The Director retired knowing that the writing was on the wall; she was never going to be able to work in the new system because it was complicated.  Even for experienced mortgage personal, it was a bit much.  They had overcomplicated the system.  I did not return for her retirement party; I could have cared less.  She kept in touch for a little bit after her retirement and had to be blocked after she sent numerous text messages trying to save my soul with JW information.  I was always very respectful of her religious beliefs, as long as she didn’t make the mistake of shoving them down my throat.  Once she wasn’t part of my management team she set to trying to save my soul.  LOL. Bitch you were are of the reason my soul was dead.  BLOCKED!!!

Shortly after she retired they hired a new director.  I liked her a lot.  She had extensive mortgage background.  We super knowledgable; very open to collaboration and communication.  My manager hated her because she was always of the attitude that once our director retired the job was hers; they did not get along at all.  It was so bad, that the director would call me versus dealing with my manager when she had questions.  She had been brought up to speed with what was going on in our department, so she was well aware that I was not management and not the most experienced Underwriter at that point.  She preferred to come to me because I answered her questions without a lot of fluff and excessive information.  I was direct and to the point.  If she wanted more information I provided, but her time was valuable and so was mine.  My manager no the other hand loved to tell stories and never directly answered questions.  I found that exhausting; so since the director preferred short, simple and to the point answers she came to me for pretty much everything.  We got along well, and I eased back into actually starting to like my job again.  She started restructuring the department; I have zero interest in being in management (I’m not management material) but I was asked to apply for the position.  The VP was kind enough to call me to let me know when I didn’t get the job; and frankly wasn’t surprised that I didn’t care less.  My VP knew I didn’t want to be in management and his boss hated me because of the across the board raises the board approved; so when I choked in the interview my manager was pissed because she wanted a counterpart that she could control.  She did nothing but bitch about the other manager they hired, at first I was angry for some stupid reason I didn’t get it (not sure why) then I ended up not caring less because I hate meetings, I hate reports, I just wanted to do my job and go home.  My Director was cool with it either way.  My manager fought to keep me, I didn’t care I just didn’t want another manager that was going to dump their shit on me.

A few months later after an audit, compliance issues arose and they ended up moving the VP to another department as they made him the scapegoat for his upper management teams poor decisions and directives to just do whatever we could to increase our holdings.  Regulations be damned.  Soon thereafter the new director ended up in the VP seat; though I was sad about the OG VP being moved, I was THRILLED for my director.  She was going to make an excellent VP.  My manager was pissed, she did not think a woman in that seat was a good idea.  She preferred to have a man in the seat because she thought all men wanted to fuck her.  I swear I hear so much about that freak’s sex life and proclivities.  Though I am open minded I didn’t need to know that much about anyone’s personal life.  I digress.  She was pissed that I still got along with our new VP as well as I got along with the OG VP, she always felt that I had to be faking it to like them and be nice to them.  It was simply, we aren’t there to be friends and braid each other’s hair.  We were there to get a job done.  Mutual respect, professional courtesy was the name of the game.

Since the director’s position was vacant again my manager assumed it would be hers.  Nope!  And boy oh boy was she PISSED that 1 the new director was a woman and 2 guess who got along with her.  Let me make this abundantly clear, I am not an ass kisser.  I just don’t assume a lot and keep things professional, this is why the damage the manager did to my mental state bothered me so much.  But I’m getting off track…  The new VP had a meeting with the entire department to introduce our new director.  In introducing her she mentioned the new director was moving to the headquarters state from the state I lived in at the time.  So I sent her a private message asking where in the state.  It wasn’t too far from where I lived, but not close enough to meet her before the move.  Later she private message me and asked if we could chat, she had questions and the two underwriting managers were MIA and she was told I might be able to help.  I helped her where I could, she was not thrilled that I was in charge of the software conversion because it was supposed to be handled at the management level, so she made it clear we were going to be talking a lot because she wasn’t going to move the project from me right away.  She had been told by the Head of Mortgage IT that they needed me to stay on the project or its would stagnate in my department because my manager was not interested in being involved (aka Lazy as Fuck) and the new manager was struggling to get up and running because my manager was not helping her or willing to work together.  She did state that I would be working soul on the project as my primary duty; again I was being taken out of Underwriting, I cried a lot.  My director said it had nothing to do with my competence as an Underwriter, it was to keep me from burning out.  I appreciated that, but really hated the project.  My manager on the other hand was not willing to take me out of the queue, so I had to continue working both jobs.

After reviewing the pipeline and the number of newbie underwriters, the director and the VP called the managers into a meeting and demanded that they set up a comprehensive training schedule for the entire team to bring them all on the same page.  I shit you not what happened next was the last straw for me.  Apparently they were asked to select someone to write and run the training; it was assumed it would be one of them.  These to brain storms picked me.  My manager called me and told me I had to choice that I had to do it.  The director called me shortly thereafter because I lost my shit!  I was being told I had to be out of the pipeline for the new 30 days while I wrote and excited the training (ON TOP OF WORKING ON THE NEW SOFTWARE PROGRAM)!!!  She asked me to have my training decks ready by Monday…  It was EOB on Tuesday.  WTF!!!  So the next morning an email went out to the team letting them know I was out of the pipeline again…  BUT was I really because my manager still had me underwriting because I had lending authority higher than all but two other underwriters and she claimed she was to busy to review my files outside of the newer underwriters authority.  WTF was this bitch busy doing considering I was working on the two biggest projects; oh wait she was busy trying to sabotage the new underwriting manager and director.

I wrote on the training material, set up the schedule and got everything approved by the director time to start on Monday.  My manager and the other manager, then proceeded to contradict everything I was teaching because I was a little more by the book which is the direction the company was going.  So when I was checking the homework of the underwriters and marking them for mistakes the underwriters were telling me they ran it by their respective managers and were told to do it differently.  So I reached out to the managers and the director for guidance on how they wanted this handled, to which I was told everyone had to be not he same page and the managers needed to get on board.  Both of the managers were not happy but didn’t want to do the training themselves because one was a lazy fucker and the other was to new to really do it.  I said multiple times I just wanted to be left alone to do my job as an underwriter and leave this training to someone else, but was told it wasn’t an option, I had to do it.  I was miserable and I made it clear to the director I was not happy.  She insisted there was a method to the madness and to trust the process; I honestly thought this was an effort to push me out, though she swore it wasn’t.  Once the training was done, I went back to underwriting and the software conversion.  I ended up having one brand new to the company underwriter that I had to work with and was not sure how he ever made the cut.  He did not seem to understand basic underwriting.  It was sad.  I hated my job by this point.

After a few months, the new Underwriting Manager begged for a transfer to another department because my Manager was making her miserable.  There was a bunch of movement and poof she was gone to another department.  The director called me and asked me to apply for the position.  I agreed too begrudgingly, as I mentioned before I did NOT want anything to do with management and was pretty sure I wouldn’t get the job.  Unfortunately the new VP and my Director had a different idea.  They restructured the department again, changed the management title to Supervisor (but left the pay grade alone), then created a new Management position and put the director over both Underwriting and Processing/Closing.  FML!  So my manager in her head was demoted because of the title change, and man oh man was she PISSED when she didn’t get the manager position.  I ended up interviewing for and getting the Supervisor position.  FML!  At first my manager was all on board with co-managing, but once it came to supervising together she was NOT having it.  I was left hanging out to dry.  To top it off, I was still involved in the software conversion program (their plan clearly was to push me into a position that was supposed to be handling the software conversion).

When the teams were reoganized, the director asked me for my picks before she did the restructuring; then she pulled my former manager into the call (I’m sure this worked wonders for pissing her off even further).  She gave me all but two. I was fine with that because I didn’t expect to get all my picks; but the two I got in their place were a bigger pain in the ass.  They were the new underwriter my former boss hired and wasn’t worth shit and a friend of the new manager that was starting Mid-June and the VP.  Since I was supposed to get a laptop to replace my desktop and I needed to meet my new management team, we arranged for me to take a trip to the home office.  It was a week and my counter part was a passive aggressive nightmare the entire time I was in town.

I ended up having to cancel my June vacation because the new underwriter was starting two days into my planned vacation.  Yep this place ended up requiring me to cancel multiple scheduled PTOs.  New Underwriter one was struggling three months in and I was his supervisor for three weeks.  At that point, I had gone to management requesting steps on how to release him from his position or move him to my counter part’s team.  We coached his, gave him a verbal and then a written.  It broke my heart when he epically messed up a file a seasoned underwriter should not have messed up regardless of where they work and approved a loan that should have been a denial, I had to escalate it (after I issued the denial) and was directed by my director to reach out to HR to work on termination steps.  I had been a supervisor for less than a month when we had to release him from his employment.  Thankfully the director took the reins during the call because I had never done anything like it before nor had I ever been terminated for something like this before.  It’s not as simple as saying you’re fired.  LOL. Promptly after the call I had to call my team into a meeting where the other new underwriter was and this put him on edge.  It was a mess!  My former manager turned colleague thought it was hysterical I had to deal with her mess.  She wanted to see me fail.  It gave her joy to see people miserable.  She was a miserable creature.  After the team call ended I had to get on the phone with the new employee and let him know that he was no where near where this employee was (without disclosing details) and that to be assured he was doing well.  Since he had just been through a horribly public layoff (the company made the news and everything) he was terrified, he even called the new manager who was a friend of his to voice his fears.  I felt horrible for him.

The next few weeks were bumpy at best and filled with meetings galore, tons of bitching by my counterpart because she was pissed about the management position, multiple trips to HR to file complaints against my counterpart.  The new manager did her best, but was getting minimal help from my counterpart who was supposed to be helping her get up and running was fighting it because again she liked to see people fail so she could feel better about herself.

After 5 months of fighting an uphill battle, my burnout hit epic proportions…  My health both physically and mentally were destroyed and my marriage was on the rocks.  At my semi annual Doctor’s appointment, I begged for him to put me out on a LOA.  He did begrudgingly because he felt firmly I should just quit.  I was determined NOT to just quit (the market was on a swift downturn, and I knew if I walked away from this position it would be awhile before I found something again).  I was in therapy and taking medication for my nerves and trying to get rest.  My return to work date came, my doctor said he would not extend my leave because he felt strongly I should quit the job.  He could see all of the impacts to my health and was pretty confident the job was going to be the death of me.  He halfassed the final FMLA paperwork to say maybe extend, leaving it up to me to decide.

I logged in the day of my return to work and my manager had forgotten to put in the paperwork to get my access turned back on, so I took that as the sign I had prayed for from the universe and said fuck it.  I emailed my manager and director, resigned effective immediately, stating that two weeks notice was really not warranted since I had been on leave and business had slowed so much they barely had 1 file a day for each underwriter.  The manager and director excepted my resignation.  A few weeks later I had to reach out to the Head of Mortgage IT to find out how to return my equipment because the manager never got back to me with steps, I’m assuming she asked my former counterpart and she never got back to her.  It was bittersweet the day I shipped my equipment back.  Though I have culpability in the situation, I literally left my career and a company I actually liked because of the passive aggressive bullshit of one person.

Now it’s been 10 months, and I still feel like a giant failure.  I’ve shed far too many tears over it and allowed it to paralyze me with fear that I’m an epic fuck up.  My husband gets mad because I frequently walk around the house singing the song “I Fuck Everything Up”.  I’m hoping if I write about it and just get it out of my system, I’ll feel better.  Therapy didn’t help, so I’m resorting to journaling to release it into the wild.

If you have read this far, I’m sorry for the ramble, but it was necessary.