Visit #1

Last night was my first appointment with the therapist.  Travis recommended him to me so I wasn’t worried about how effective he would be, but I was nervous.  The last time I went to any sort of therapy was 8 years ago, and it was very helpful, but it’s always nerve racking knowing you’re about to go in and tell all of your innermost thoughts to a total stranger.

I got there and the office is super cute.  It’s downtown, in one of those areas where all of the businesses are actually in old houses.  He introduced himself, I went into his “office” (really more like a little living room – you know, standard therapist couch and chair), sat down on the couch and we got started.

He started off by asking him if I had been to therapy before, mainly so that he could tell me that if I was nervous that’s normal.  I knew the drill so we sort of dove in.  It was my first appointment, so it was sort of a “let me get to know you as much as possible in 45 minutes” session. 

He started out asking why I was coming to therapy.  I told him that my Dad had a stroke 3 months ago, and because of that a lot of responsibilities had fallen on me.  He asked more about that and I told him my Dad can’t work and he made the majority of the household’s income so I’m contributing financially.  Also, that he took care of the finances, and my Mom’s not money-minded so I’m handling making sure all of the bills are paid and whatnot as well.  He said “So, you’re sort of stepping into your Dad’s role.”  And I agreed.

I told him that on top of that, work is very hectic and I’m working long hours so that adds to what’s on my plate already.  So, in the end I’m going to therapy because the relationships in my life are becoming strained because of everything that’s going on.

We talked some more about general things and at one point he asked me if he was talking to me 4 months ago, how I would describe myself and my life.  I told him that I would have said I was finally at a point where I sort of “had everything together.”  I had a great job that paid well, I was finally doing what I went to school for, I had my debt paid off, I was planning and ready to move into my own place and after a tumultuous relationship with my ex, I finally knew who I was and where I was headed and it was actually materializing for me.

Then he asked, “Well, what changed?  Your Dad’s stroke didn’t cause everything going on in your life, so what changed between then and now?”

I had to think about that one.  I said that for one, I have a lot more responsibility on my plate as far as tasks are concerned.  I said that I also have to be the emotional and mental rock of my family now, since my Mom can’t really handle it.  And that work has picked up so I’m working very long hours without much time to focus on everything else.

He asked how I would grade myself, if I was on the outside looking it.  I said I would say I’m doing a great job at getting everything done, that I would grade myself well.

He said “Okay, so you’d say you’re doing a great job.  But at what price?”

And I said that time is one of the biggest ones – I don’t have time to do much anymore between work and my home life.  And that my relationships are being sacrificed, because my focus is elsewhere.

We talked some more about my family and my relationship with my Dad.  And I only cried once! Lol.  I was hoping not to at all, but talking about my Dad makes that difficult.  There’s sort of an underlying sadness in my life because of that whole situation.

So once we got done he sort of gave me his “take” on things.  He said it wasn’t a hard fast evaluation but he just wanted to tell me what he was hearing.

He acknowledged that it’s difficult to go in and tell all of these personal things to a stranger, so first he just wanted to acknowledge that.  Then he said one thing he noticed was that everything I’m going through right now is devastating but that he sees a stoicism and quietness with me.  He said that one of the main things he is seeing is a dichotomy within me between being selfless and selfish, and that I have no idea how to handle it. 

He said some other things, things that I already knew.  That I had to be my own “container&rd

quo;, probably since I was very young, because my Mom wasn’t there to be that for me.  And he said hopefully eventually therapy could be another sort of “container” for me, if that makes sense.  He also said it was almost like I was walking down a runway, and that runway is very narrow so veering from that runway could not only be upsetting but catastrophic.  And that one goal for therapy, in his eyes, would be to broaden that runway so that I’m not walking such a tight line. 

I liked that analogy.

He also said that some of the anger I feel toward my Mom is probably also anger at myself.

Nail on the head again.

Overall, I think it was a good experience, and I’m going back to see him on Tuesday.  I think this might be  a very good thing for me.

Anyway, that was the gist of it.  Just wanted to journal my first visit with the therapist.  Might write a bit more later – we did talk for almost an hour after all – but for now it’s back to work.

Hope everyone is doing well!

R