Rollacoasta

I’m around.  Just reading but haven’t had the gumption to write. 

Work has been insane and is utterly exhausting, to be honest.  There is just too much work to be done and not enough hours in the day or people to do the work.  That being said, we recently made a new hire so hopefully she can start really contributing here soon.

I don’t know if I’ve gone into what I do for a living on here before but essentially I am a project manager who also wears many other hats.  I started out as the office manager a little under 4 years ago and came onto the account team when I reached a ceiling as the office manager.  I love what I do.  But the workload is so high that I’m working up to 60 or 70 hours a week, including the work I do from home.

Don’t get me wrong, I get paid well and I work with wonderful people.  But I haven’t had an urge as strong as I have in the last couple of weeks to just get outta Dodge for a couple of days and relax.  So that’s what we’re doing next weekend.  Travis and I are heading to San Antonio to spend one day at Fiesta Texas, spend one day relaxing by the pool at the hotel and maybe going to eat or shop or whatever, and spend a day maybe at Sea World.  Just get out of town and not think about work or school for a couple of days.

Speaking of Travis, we’ve had a bit of a roller coaster over the last week or so.  I went to my therapist last week and he asked what I wanted to talk about.  I said Travis, and that it’s hard sometimes because I feel like we’re in very different places.  My therapist asked me to talk more about that and I said that part of that is career-wise and where we’re headed but part of it is more that I sort of know who I am and where I’m going and Travis is still working through that.  Not that it’s a bad thing, but it just makes it a bit difficult sometimes.

My therapist said that “this is how I see it.  You have worked through your demons, looked them in the eye and accepted them.  You’ve worked through what they are, that they are a part of you and you’ve gotten through them to a more productive, happy place in your life.  Travis has not yet done that.  He’s still trying, desperately to do it, but he hasn’t gotten there yet.”

I agreed and thought that was a very eloquent way of saying what I have been feeling lately. 

Anyway, long story short is that my therapist asked if an October wedding date was set in stone.  He also said that he, like me, thinks marriage is a huge step and should not be taken lightly.  He explained that one thing about relationships is that when they are good, they’re good.  That’s true of any relationship.  But what really matters is how the relationship is when things are bad.  He said that when things are bad, what do we do?  We cope.  We pull from that inner-strength and grit and push through the bad times.  The trick is that your partner needs to be a person who can go toe-to-toe with you on that.  And Travis currently can’t do that.  My therapist said “What happens if one day your Mom gets sick and needs to move in with you?  Travis goes into the basement and drinks?  Then you’re taking care of two children plus whatever kids you’ve had with Travis by then.” 

Travis needs to face his demons and work through them.  He needs to do the hard work that I’ve had to do.  And man, do I have sympathy for that.  Working through your demons is hard.  And one thing that my therapist said was that “My worry is that Travis does not yet love himself.  And he can’t truly love you until he loves himself.”

And I have to agree with that, as hokey as it sounds.  Travis has to work through his shit and I don’t mind being that soft place to fall, but I also can’t marry someone who has not worked through his own issues and is in a stable, healthy emotional place in his life.  The

thing the therapist said about “what happens if your Mom gets sick” really struck a chord with me because it brought me back to when my Dad had his stroke.  Yes, Travis was there for me.  But he also went into smoking and drinking quite a bit because he didn’t know how to cope with the situation.  He did the best he could, but that can’t be his coping mechanism forever.  I can’t deal with that, and won’t accept it.

That being said, I talked to Travis last week the day after my session with the therapist and told him about my worries.  I finally worked around to “what do you think about postponing the wedding?” and from there it was basically a lot of me talking, him saying he didn’t really know what to say and that he needed to think about things before he said anything he regretted. 

I know he was working through a lot of emotions and I did sort of drop a bombshell on him.  And we did talk more the next day.  Basically, what I need help with, and what we’re going to talk to my therapist about this week, is that I’m struggling with putting this “expectation” out there when it isn’t a concrete expectation.

I feel like I’m saying “I can’t marry you until you’re in a more stable emotional place.”  But what does that even mean?  I feel like it’s very subjective and open-ended, which isn’t fair to Travis.  I need help working through what my expectations are.  And I also don’t want Travis to feel like all I’ve done along the way is tell him he’s not good enough and he needs to “do this” or “do that” before I’ll continue being with him.

Anyway, I’m not really making a whole lot of sense I’m sure so I’ll just leave it at that for now.  This entry was more for me anyway.

I hope everyone is doing well.