Reaching Out

I’m in a bit of a weird mood tonight.  I went to happy hour with some co-workers and on the way back stopped by Trav’s to bring him some Starbucks.  He’d had a couple of drinks at that point.  I had a feeling he’d be drinking.

He’s been doing so well up until the last couple of weeks.  Saturday night we went out with a couple of friends and since he has an occupational license he’s not allowed to drive after 8:00 and I was driving.  So I kept it to two beers and a shot (we were there for about 3 hours) and he had a few drinks.  He wasn’t drunk, but he was a bit tipsy.

Then last week there was a night when I was texting/calling him and he wasn’t picking up.  I had a feeling he had been drinking because he called around 12:30.  I saw it but didn’t pick up.  He said the next morning that he was sorry, he fell asleep reading.  A couple of nights later I brought up that I figured he was drinking, and he fessed up to it.  He said he was embarrassed and ashamed, and that’s why he didn’t say anything about it before.

So… yeah.  I’m a bit disappointed.  He was doing so well.  He had a couple of slip-ups since July but other than that he’s been good at keeping it to one beer at dinner maybe once every couple of weeks, and no drinking at home.

I’m going to have to talk to him about it.  I didn’t want to tonight because I want to talk to him about it when he’s sober.  He didn’t go to AA before because he was handling the drinking fine by himself.  But it’s creeping back up again so I think I’m going to have to make a request.  I know he’s going to propose sometime probably this month but I think I’m going to tell him that the only way I’ll be comfortable with marrying him is if he goes to some sort of alcohol counseling, and is clean, meaning absolutely no drinking at home, and no more than one drink when we are out to dinner, for at least 6 months to a year (not sure on that point yet).  And furthermore, we don’t plan on having kids anytime soon but I want him to be clean for at least 2 years before we have kids.

I also think now that he has health insurance through his work that he should go to counseling.  Because there is something behind his self-medication, and he needs to explore that with some sort of third party.

Anyway, I think overall he is doing well and I’m so proud of him for the work he’s done, but he needs help to really break through to that place where he doesn’t feel the need to numb himself.  I know that feeling.  I had a love affair with coke twice in my life.  The first time was from when I was 17 until I was 18, during which time I was doing coke, as well as meth for a short 3 month stint.  Then, I started again when I was 21 or 22 and was steadily doing coke from 22 until I was 24. 

I have been clean since October 31, 2009…  Over two years.  And I can’t say that even now temptation doesn’t pop into my head once in a while when I’m having a hard time.  Travis’ struggle is even harder because his drug of choice is readily available, and something that all of our friends partake in socially.

So.  Anyway.  I just want him to reach out.  And I’m going to help him do that.  He’s made strides toward becoming healthy, and I know he will make more.  I have no doubt that he will push through this and find some peace within himself.  And I’ll be there with him along the way 🙂