I crave intensity
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Do other people crave that too?
Passion, Sadness, Fear, Pain, Happiness, Anger, Longing, Lust, you name it, I want it. That’s probably why when I feel “numb” it’s disconcerting. I hate feeling nothing. I felt that way the other night. I watched this movie Keith. Great movie, but a bit heady, if that makes sense. I love those types of movies. Movies that invoke emotion, make you think, make you cry and laugh and everything in between.
Don’t get me wrong; I love a dumb comedy just as much as the next person, but more often than not I want something that makes my brain work. A “mind fuck” if you will.
Anyway, I was feeling… off … Tuesday night. I got home, ate dinner, went to bed. Found that movie and started watching it. Didn’t get out of bed until morning. I didn’t feel sad, or upset, or irritated, or angry, or happy. I didn’t feel anything. Those are the moments when I used to alter my mind in some way. Alcohol, Drugs, Sex… whatever was available at the time.
I think that’s where my past addictions have come from. From wanting to feel something, when I had nothing inside of me. That’s definitely where my love affair with white came f
rom. I was dead inside every time I had a bout with that stuff. And ironically, I was killing myself more with what gave me that instant pick-me-up fix I was craving.
It was the same way with relationships. I became quickly addicted to them, especially when the relationship involved a man who was no good for me, or a man who didn’t want me. I was constantly searching for that “fire.” I think that’s why my relationship with Travis is so great. I don’t have to look for that fire anymore. The “mind fuck” is there with him. In a good way lol. He stimulates my mind, which is what I was always looking for in the past and never found, because I was looking in the wrong places.
Okay. Losing my train of thought here. I’m fuzzy, it’s late, and it’s time for bed. Night!
R
i’m happy you found that release with Travis. But those feelings aren’t necessarly good ones, I don’t want to stretch the idea of therapy, but maybe just doing something that you love instead? What makes you happy? Running, drawing, writing, walking? Expressing yourself makes me feel alive. Buuuut i may be way off on helping you, but i’m glad you feel better with your man. that must be nice 🙂
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RYN: Thank you.. 🙂 As to your entry, I totally understand that. I am the same way, I crave intensity as well. I think that was a big reason it took me a long time to get over my ex, because it seemed better to feel something intense than to let it go and feel nothing. Of course, given how negative those feelings were.. it wasn’t a good thing, but I think I was addicted to feeling something cause I didn’t want to lose her. Anyway.. a long mostly pointless note, all that to say that I am certainly understanding of your feelings towards intensity. Also, mindfuck movies are awesome. 🙂 I’ll have to check out Keith. Have you seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?
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