Hard to Resist

Travis and I went and did our Monday night pool, beer and football thing last night.  We haven’t done that in quite a while and it was just what I needed.  I did pretty well at pool and so did Travis so neither of us got too pouty :-).

There was a moment last night where I could really appreciate Travis as a boyfriend.  I went to the ladies’ room, which was clear across the pool hall.  There was a group of guys playing pool at a table by the restrooms and I had to walk past them to get to ours.  When I got back to Travis he was smiling and immediately said “I swear I’m half black.”  I asked why and he said “Those guys over there, when you walked by all of their heads swiveled to look at you.  They sort of glanced at you when you first came out but once you were past them with your butt to them all of them turned and stared and I was thinking ‘I do that exact same thing!’” lol.

It’s nice to have a man who appreciates another man taking notice of me, instead of getting upset.  I’m human, I don’t mind getting a little attention here and there, and I know Trav is the same way.  And I find it flattering when another girl is looking at him, as long as she’s just looking ;-).  But I have been in relationships where I don’t even want to make eye contact with another guy because God forbid someone is looking at me.  It’s just nice to not have to walk on eggshells in any sense.

After we got done playing pool we decided to go to Jason’s Deli for dinner. YUM!  And, there was a point during our time there where I was nearing another mini-meltdown.  We were talking about where we would want to go in Europe if we travelled there.  I said I wanted to go to Egypt since we were already talking about Spain.  Travis shook his head no, and I said “what?”  He told me he thought it was Morocco I was thinking of.

And yes, he was right.  My geography was off.  I was thinking of Morocco.  For some reason, at that moment I got really irritated.  He saw it and said he was sorry, that he didn’t mean to make me mad or anything, and I told him it was okay.  I put my head in my hands because I could feel the tears welling up.  They were welling up because as soon as I got irritated I was thinking “what the fuck is wrong with you – why are you getting so irritated at this???”

Travis got quiet and told me he was sorry, and I told him not to apologize for being right, and that it was okay – I was just emotionally charged because I was overwhelmed.  We didn’t talk more about it in there because we were in a public place and I didn’t want to cry.  I wiped a couple of tears away and he went and got us ice cream.  And both of us tip toed around the subject and started talking about other stuff.

We got out to the car and I apologized, told him I was sorry for the almost-mini-meltdown, and he asked where that came from. 

I wanted to break down right there.  Hell, I really wanted to break down in Jason’s Deli.  But I didn’t.  I told him it was just work.  And school.  And everything else going on that’s overwhelming me at the moment.

I didn’t want to cry in front of him again.  Not last night.  Not when I just cried in front of him a while back when we went to Oktoberfest.  That was just over a month ago.

I know he would not have minded, but I just didn’t want to do that last night.

This morning I woke up feeling a little bit better, but still sort of down.  I was being cuddly with Trav before he left this morning and asked if he was coming over tonight.  He said he wasn’t sure, that he would see.  He is working from 9 – 4, then has school from 7 – 10.

I felt tears welling up again.

For FUCK’S sake.

He didn’t see them this time.  I held them off.<span style="mso-space

run: yes”>  I just really wanted him next to me tonight.  So I texted him this morning and told him I loved him, to have a good day, and that it would be really nice if he could muster up the energy to come over after he got done.  I told him I completely understand if he can’t (which I do), but that it would be nice to sleep next to him tonight.

He texted me a while later, told me he loved me, and told me to count on sleeping next to him tonight.

I told him thank you, and that I needed him.  And I rarely say I need anything/one.  But it’s just one of those phases where him next to me would just make a world’s difference.

Anyway.  That made my day much better.  I can’t wait to see him tonight.  Cuddle with him on the couch.  Feel his lips on my forehead.

All I know is that tonight I want to forget how I’m feeling.  I want to forget everything that is overwhelming me.  I want to kiss and touch and love and feel him beside me, on top of me, over me, through me, all around me.  I want to envelope myself in him tonight.  I want to make love.  Make love and forget.  Become one and for a moment, quiet my mind…

That is what I need right now.