From feeling nothing to feeling everything

I feel nothing these days.  I am disconnected in a way – from family, friends, coworkers, etc.  Not to say I don’t care about them and have fun and hang out and all that.  I just… I don’t let myself feel everything, because I can’t afford to.  I have things I need to get done – family business, work, errands… A lot rests on my shoulders right now and if I break, I lose.  I can’t afford to lose my focus.  Things are too important right now.

Last night, Travis and I had a fun night.  A night like we used to have.  Drank some beer, played some pool, even flirted.  And I was horny… truly horny for the first time in weeks.  And if you’ve been a very long time reader you’ll know I’m a bit of a fiesty one :).  Anyway, it was such a great time.  I laughed, real laughs.  And we went home.  When we got home I played him part of this Rascall Flatts song that makes me cry every time I hear it.  It’s their newest one on the radio and it’s fitting.  It would be even more fitting if it was coming from Travis.  It made me a little teary eyed, but we went to the bedroom and I wanted him on me.  I wanted him in me, around me, through me, inside me.  I wanted to get lost in him.

And I did.  He worshipped my body and made me tingle.  My toes curled and my body shook.

And when we were done, I cried.

While we were in bed I went from being completely disconnected, feeling nothing, to being connected… and feeling everything.  The emotions washed over me and I just couldn’t help it.  It was an overwhelming experience.  I didn’t want to cry, but I couldn’t stop the tears. 

He held me, told me it was okay.  I apologized.  And I cried some more.

I just… I wish I could just lay in his arms sometimes and cry.  Let everything out.  My fear, my sadness, my frustration.  I know he would let me, but when I’m with him I just want to have fun.  Get away from things for a moment. 

The last time we had sex (before last night) I cried too.

He didn’t know it, but I let some tears go.  It was the same thing… feeling nothing to everything, in a split second.  It was liberating and explosive and overwhelming and sad all at the same time.

Sex has been the only release I have had for my feelings these days about what’s going on in my life.  Fortunately, I have a boyfriend who doesn’t think I’m psychotic for crying after sex. lol.  I guese he knows me too well and knows I’m not an after-sex cryer. 🙂

Well, just had to get that out.

Back to the grind.

Hope all is well with everyone 🙂