Emotional Denial

Ever since I was little, Sundays always put me in sort of a weird mood.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe the impending new week.  As I go through therapy and look into my past, I think Sunday to me, symbolizes the end of being care free with no responsibilities and the start of getting back to the "real world."

My last session with my therapist was pretty enlightening.  I was upset because I ended up being almost 30 minutes late because of traffic, but the 30 minute session actually ended up being short but sweet.  I told the therapist about Travis losing his job and his first reaction was "Oh, Shit."  That’s why I like him I think, because he’s not all "therapist-ey." 

We talked about a few different things, but the meat of the session was when I told him about something I was thinking about in the last few weeks prior.  I thought back on my past and realized that I have gone through cycles of being overly responsible and self-controlled, and then being completely irresponsible and not controlled at all.  When I was 11 and my parents had their issues, I took care of my little brother and was in responsible mode.  When I was 14 I moved into being irresponsible and out of control.  And I went through that cycle 2 or 3 times.  My therapist asked me what mode I was in now and I said definitely overly-responsible mode.

He thought a minute and said "Let’s approach this from an emotional level.  When you’re up here [meaning responsible mode], how would you describe your emotions?"  I told him "I’m sort of disconnected and numb emotionally."  He said "So, you’re stoic with a sort of militaristic discipline with your emotions – is that accurate?"  I nodded.  He then asked how my emotions are when I’m "down here" [meaning irresponsible mode].  I said "I’m completely over-emotional.  My emotions are dramatic and almost… indulgent."

He said "Sort of like a binging and purging… or binging and restricting, rather."

I was quiet and agreed.  I kept being quiet and he said "Where are you right now?"

I told him I had just never thought about it like that before.  And him putting it in the frame of an eating disorder made it more extreme in my head.  I told him that these cycles normally come in waves of about 2 or 3 years.  He asked "Where are you in that cycle now?" And I sort of laughed and said "about 2 or 3 years."  And he said "So the clock is ticking huh?  And you’re saying you are worried about going back into a binging stage and fucking things up after you’ve worked so hard to get where you are now."

He said "So in some ways this is about denial.  Denying yourself emotionally."  And I agreed.  He said "going back to the eating disorder scenario, how would you go about treating an eating disorder?"

I told him "Well, one thing about an eating disorder is that it has to do with a false body-image and a false idea of what is appropriate, and what isn’t.  Someone with an eating disorder might see a handful of almonds and think it’s way too much, when in fact it’s something healthy to eat."  He agreed and said "Right, so maybe a first step is to eat a little at a time, since eating an entire sandwich may be too overwhelming."

I nodded.

He asked "So how might you go about doing that?  Or maybe a better question is… what do you need?"

I laughed again and said "That question was hard when you asked it in my first session and it’s just as hard now."  He smiled and said "It’s a hard question."

I thought a minute and said "I want to say the typical ‘I need some more "me" time or time by myself’ but that doesn’t feel right."  I was quiet for a while longer and said "Well… I need to be taken care of."

He said "I like that." (Side note: when he says something like that I feel like a kid in class who just got an ‘A’ lol) "So who could you turn to for that?"

I said "Travis.  He is really the only one who could give me that right now."

He said "And how could you get that help?"

I told him that Travis used to offer it all the time.  That he would offer to listen whenever I needed an ear.  But typically when he asks how I am, I just say "Oh I’m fine, I’m okay, etc" and so his offers have waned over the last couple of years.  So maybe it’s a matter of asking him again.  Talking to him about how I feel and what I need and letting him take care of me.  The therapist asked how Travis could take care of me, seeing as he’s having job and car troubles, and I said "Well, he could offer that support emotionally. I just need to ask for it.  Especially now and not 5 years down the road when maybe his offers of support haven’t just waned but have disappeared all together."

I was quiet for a bit and my therapist did his therapist thing and asked "So how are you feeling?"

And I think I said "disconcerted" lol. 

We ended our session there.  It gave me a lot to think about.  I went home and Travis and I had coffee and I sat at the dining room table while he stood in the kitchen and we talked about what my therapist and I had talked about.  Travis told me that he was always there for me and that he would keep asking if I was okay and if I needed to talk, and I said that I would try to let him in more and ask for his help, emotionally.  And then the tears came.

He held me and I said "I’m just so tired."

He said "I know."

And he just kept holding me.  It was exactly what I needed at that moment.

I didn’t have to say anything more.  Travis knew what I meant.  I am.  I am tired.  I’m tired of work and school and worrying about my Mom and Brother and Dad and being responsible and holding so much pain inside.  I’m tired of being on an emotional roller coaster.  I’m tired of keeping my emotions stuffed down and I’m just… tired.

But.  I’m also hopeful.  Yes, Travis and I are going through some hard times right now.  He’s out of a job, his occupational license is outstanding at the moment, my work is overwhelming and my Mom is crazy.  But.  He’s here and I’m here and we’re with each other.  We’re getting married in October.  And we’re going to start a life together.  No, love is not always enough.  But we have enough of the other puzzle pieces in place to start a beautiful life with one another.  

Whew.  Enough writing for now. I think this entry is heavy enough to make up for all of the entries I’ve started and not posted 🙂

Time for some tea.

R