BIG Bitch.

Yeah so I feel like a horrible person. I’m going to work out at 11:00. I decided to take a long lunch to work my feelings out. Everything I am about to say is completely unjustified and wrong, and I realize that. I have no right to feel any of these things.

At the beginning of the day yesterday Travis and I decided that working out would be a good thing and that it would be helpful to him to physically work out some of his emotions about everything. So we were planning on working out after I got off at 5:00. Around noon I talked to Travis and he sounded heartbroken. I was planning on trying to get off early so that we could work out a little earlier and we could spend time together afterwards.

I wasn’t able to do so and it was probably for the best because I got a call from Travis around 3:00 or so and he was wasted. He had decided to drink his sorrows away. He decided to numb himself from everything.

I was understanding and told him not to feel bad or apologize. He needed time to himself. He needed to work through things on his own and that was fine. I felt terrible for him. He said he had 2 drinks but I know better. Anyway, since I wasn’t working out with him I decided to stay late at work and then go work out on my own.

I worked until 6:15 or so and I tried texting and calling but he didn’t answer. I couldn’t reach him at all. So instead of going straight to the gym I decided to swing by Applebee’s. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t drinking there and planning on driving home. He wasn’t. So I headed back down to the gym. When I got there I realized I didn’t have my workout pants.

Fucking great.

By this time it was after 7:00 and I didn’t want to go all the way to the RV to get my workout clothes and come back. I figured fuck it. No workout tonight. Oh well.

Travis finally called me back as I’m walking out of the gym. He sounded slightly more coherent but still drunk. He told me he wasn’t driving anywhere so at least that fear was quelled. We talked for maybe 15 minutes and I could barely understand him. But I let him talk – I know he needed to. We decided earlier in the day to go visit his Grandma tonight after work and he asked if we could work out afterwards. I said that would be fine since I couldn’t work out last night like I wanted to.

For dinner I had a salad with two boiled eggs. I figured if I wasn’t working out I would at least not gorge myself on food. I painted my nails. I thought maybe I would go work out in the morning but I knew I probably wouldn’t. No biggie, we were going to work out after visiting with his Grandma.

This morning I wake up to 4 text messages from Travis. Saying he couldn’t wait to see me and that his Grandma might take us out to dinner tonight. Also saying his Dad’s birthday celebration is Friday at 6:30. Also saying that all of our workouts are on as planned for this week.

This was probably the start of my real (and horrible and unjustified and bitchy) irritation.

No. Our workouts are not on as usual. We were supposed to work out last night. We didn’t. No biggie. We were supposed to work out tonight. We’re not if we go to dinner. We were supposed to work out Friday. Now we’re not, because your Dad has his birthday dinner that you’ve known about since last week but didn’t mention.

avis called a few minutes later to tell me he’d pick me up from work this afternoon to go to his Grandma’s. He apologized for the night before (I told him he didn’t have to) and then I got into why our schedule wasn’t going to stay the same. He said he decided to work out this morning and had just gotten done with core work and cardio.

I said “You should have told me you were working out this morning!” He said “Yeah, I felt bad about not working out yesterday.” I told him “Yeah, I felt bad about that too. But now I probably won’t be able to work out tonight either. Oh well, it’s okay. I have to go. I have to get ready for work.”

Him: “Yeah, I know babe.”

Me: “Okay, talk to you later.”

Him: “Love you.”

Me: “Love you too.” *click*

ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I’m pretty sure I made that sound. Lol.

I was so fucking frustrated at that point. Frustrated, and then consequently guilty because who the fuck am I to get frustrated when he’s going through this horrible time.

I was frustrated mainly because my plans kept fucking changing. But who the hell am I. His plans changed too. His Aunt passed away. That wasn’t in his plans.

Yeah. R = BIG fucking bitch.

I called him on my way to work and apologized for being short with him. He said he didn’t think I was short with him. I told him I was just being a bitch. Being irritated with things I shouldn’t be irritated at. Him getting drunk. Him cancelling working out last night. Him changing my plans for the rest of this week. Him not telling me about his Dad’s dinner on Friday. Him going to work out without me this morning in case we went to dinner with me having no idea that I wouldn’t be able to work out today. All things that are silly to get upset about.

I told him also that it is probably partly because it is difficult with him shutting himself down when he goes through something like this. I thought I was mature enough to handle it, but I guess it does bother me. It is difficult because I want to be there for him but he shuts down. I can’t be there for someone who drinks their way out of feeling bad. I can’t be there for someone who won’t talk about how they are feeling. I can’t be supportive if the person I’m trying to support isn’t open to it.

He said there was one thing I could do. I could give him a big hug when I see him. I said I’m already going to do that. I told him to have a good day and he told me to have a good one too. I told him I loved him.

I can’t wait to work out at lunch today to get some of this frustration and guilt out.

I feel like such a bitch.