July 26, 2010

07/27/2010

Last night, Travis got to hear some of my inner-most thoughts and feelings about life in general, and about my past. Of course it was alcohol-induced lol. I don’t know what thought process sparked it to be honest. I know I said “You know what would be good? Chicken Nuggets.” And so he said we would go to McDonald’s on the way home. I don’t know what happened but all of a sudden I said “No. No McDonald’s. I don’t need it. I’m just wasted.”

And the tears came. I don’t know if it was a I’m not good enough moment or what, but something inside my head brought up some really bad feelings.

To be honest, I don’t remember the drive home. I don’t remember what I said. I remember being at Travis’ house and sitting and smoking a cigarette, and talking. I remember sitting at the end of the driveway with him behind me, holding me. I remember crying the entire time. Sobbing. I remember crying in a way I haven’t done in years. I’m talking gut-wrenching, uncontrollable, and I’m sure verrry ugly crying.

I don’t remember everything I said, and to be honest that does worry me just a little. I remember very small snippets. I know I talked a lot about my parents, and about my little brother. I know I told Travis that I didn’t think he would keep caring. That I had cried too many times and that in a year he would just blow it off. He told me I was wrong, and that in all actuality I don’t cry that much.

It feels like I do though. The thing is though, most of the time I’m a very happy person. Maybe a little stressed sometimes, but overall I’m a really laid back person who’s very happy with her life. So I suppose those meltdown moments seem much more pronounced these days because they are in such great contrast to how I am most of the time. It’s a little embarrassing. I know Trav doesn’t think differently of me, but internally I just feel embarrassed. That I let everything out like that. That I broke down.

I remember Travis telling me I’m sad or something, internally… I wish I could remember. Fucking alcohol lol. I wish I could remember what exactly he said. It was comforting at the time.

I do remember him telling me I don’t have to be strong all the time.

Oh well, I suppose I won’t remember anything more.

I just know that it was a long, hard night for me, drudging up all of those old feelings. I told him things I have never told anyone. Things I have kept inside for 15 years. I guess I just feel like I can do that with him – just break down. Hopefully it doesn’t wear on him if it happens again. I hope it doesn’t.

Anyway, he told me he loves me just as much as ever and that there is no need to apologize for last night. I just hope it didn’t ruin the night for him. We really had a great time before my meltdown lol.

I wish I could remember some of the things he said to me last night. </span

>I can’t remember what they were. I do remember feeling safe though. And comforted that I had a boyfriend I could break down in front of and not be judged.

Well, that’s all on that subject I suppose.

Here’s to having a great rest of the week 🙂