Blocked – Unblocked

This has been a repeat story and the more he does it, the more that it doesn’t affect me any longer.  Honestly, I don’t know why he does it or why he’s even exerting effort to block and unblock me when he can just leave me blocked. What game is he playing that I could not seem to understand? I don’t want to try hard to figure it out because I know that at the end of the day, it’s not me. It’s not me whom he’s thinking of. It’s not me whom he wants to talk with. It’s not my attention whom he seeks. It’s not my voice he wants to hear. It’s not my smile he wants to see. It’s not me, and never gonna be me.

Though I don’t want to try hard, but some questions pop in my mind. Even for just a second, has he thought of me? Today, I haven’t texted him “good morning”, did he even wonder why? Did he even thought of texting me first? And I’m always afraid that the answer to these is NO. I’m always brought back to the time when he told me that what we have was a waste of each others time. Online relationships/friendships is not his thing. He said he’s bored texting anyone and that includes texting me.

Block, then unblock. I learned to do it too when I can no longer bear the sadness his actions brings me. And so when I’m about to send him a message, it prompts that he’s blocked and my mind could rethink if I should really send that message, and ends up deleting it.

I feel better each day, I guess. And I know I’ll feel better soon, and he will eventually be taken out from my system. I open our conversation and just stare at it blankly as he randomly appears online. I could now, somehow, resist the urge to text him. And when I feel like texting him, I text my friends or watch a video or do anything that will divert my mind from the thought.  I know my worth. But it’s a battle between my heart and my mind. And I don’t want my whole self end up losing in this battle. I have to rebuild that confidence I once had and bring back the strong and independent woman I was before him.

Now, he can block or unblock me for all I care. One day, I’ll have that courage to walk away if he’s not gonna be man enough to completely let me go.