023: Discarded

‘Narcissistic discard.’

I’ve come across the term in one of my late night scrolls, those times when I was still trying to understand what happened. We were fine and suddenly I was left hanging. No clue if there was something I did wrong. Nothing. I wasn’t ghosted, but I was lied to. I couldn’t find the answers on how someone I treated so well just acted like I never even mattered.

After reading about it, the next time I saw him with her, it somehow made me understand why he did what he did. I remember when we finally had the chance to talk, he said that he couldn’t tell me he’s already seeing her because he wasn’t sure then with what he wanted with her. And then he said, “she really likes me a lot. she wants to marry me.”  It made sense. With her status and all, even I could say she’s perfect for him. lol!

Back when we were still seeing each other, he tells me about some ladies who used to flirt with him and likes him. I couldn’t even be bothered. And it always seems like I did not give him the reaction he wanted. It’s not that I don’t care. We weren’t in a relationship and I don’t usually get jealous. Cause I know for myself that it’s not my loss if a person choose to let go/betray me.

Being discarded is kinda traumatic. I don’t ever want this feeling again. It’s too painful. Sometimes I am fine. Sometimes, I am not. I pray that one day I’ll finally be okay; I don’t want to hurt anymore. 🙁