022: Just another heartbreak 2

When I found out that he’s not really divorced, I knew I had to stop seeing him. I knew that at some point that what we have will have to end. That if not him, it’s me that has to let go. Because I know what I want and I know what I’ve been praying for. And I know that was God telling me it’s not him. But again, I was too stubborn to listen. I kept seeing him and we ended up almost like living together. Friends with benefits? Situationship? Is it what they call it?

Since we are not committed to each other, he promised that he’ll let me know if he’ll get involved with someone else. So came that day when he said he went to a party and he kissed another woman. I acted cool like yeah I kissed another man too when I was away for a week, but I did not like doing it because I kept thinking about him and I don’t want to do it to him. And so I asked if he liked it, and he said yes. Damn! My stupidity even allowed myself to keep seeing him. Until 2 weeks later, he said he had sex with someone else.

I don’t know how to feel anymore. But again, I said it’s fine cause it’s not like we are in a committed relationship anyway. When people ask me if we’re dating, I can’t even answer them. He usually initiates showing affection in public, and as much as I want to reciprocate that, I can’t. So he thinks that I don’t want other people to see me with him. Dude, I’m fine being seen with him, just not too much PDA cause we are not even in a relationship. We are friends, at least I thought we are!

When you told me about the other woman (who actually I made friends with before they even started seeing each other and that woman knew about us), I told him that if he wants to pursue her, just let me know and I won’t be in the way. I was ready to accept that. We were fine until it has been more than 24 hrs that he has not “seen” my messages.

I’ve seen him frustrated and depressed when he doesn’t get any work for the day, and I got worried that it might be one of those days. I tried calling him but no answer. I was so damn worried for nothing. If the had only told me he was already enjoying someone else’s company, I could have saved myself from feeling worried over someone who doesn’t even bother to tell me we’re done. I was away for a week and when I got back that’s when I saw them together. I can’t even hold back my tears while typing this right now. And they both said hi to me like everything was fine. Like I was fine seeing them! I wasn’t! I was crushed, broken hearted and I wanted to cry so bad! I was screaming inside my head “YOU SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST TOLD ME!!!” I know I won’t be fine still, but at least I thought I deserved a proper goodbye.

When I finally got the chance to talk to him, he just said that it was one of the hardest thing to do. How can it be hard? I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS! November and December of 2023, I never thought I could feel that sad. I can’t even have dinner or have coffee by myself without crying. I have to go to my friends’ just so I won’t feel that empty space that used to be yours. Here I am six months later, a bit better, but still hurting.