021: Just another heartbreak 1

I’ve been thinking of writing an entry since late last year but I had problems with the VPN app I was using to be able to access the site. Now, I am using a different one and hope it won’t have the same problem as the one before cause it’ll again be a waste of money.

Now, where do I begin? I feel like 2023 was a roller-coaster-of-emotions year for me. How do I know? All through the short and long notes I have written in the pages of my journal, scratch pads and notes in the phone. I’ve read them recently and I can’t even believe myself! LOL! Here goes one of them:

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put into words the things wanted to say to you. When I look at you, I see you deep within. I see your pain. How can I even think of saying goodbye when I can feel your silent screams for help. You appear too strong to even ask for that. And I know I look stupid for even staying. But there are times that when I look at you, you look like you’re drowning. If you only know how it crushes my heart seeing you that way. I try in ways I can to make you feel better.”

So around June last year, I met this guy, Mark, in one of my favorite hangout spot in the island. And since I thought he’s married, I kept every encounter with him short and just hi/hello/how are you. Until that mid July when he started showing a photo of his son, telling me some personal stuff and told me he’s divorced. (And my dumb self actually believed that) so we ended up spending the night together. Then the night after that, and even the night after.

That first week, he’s normally the first one to send me a text or a voice message asking me how my day was and him telling me about his. We almost always end our day together and it felt nice. I was happy. But somehow it felt like something’s not right. It’s like my gut was telling me he’s got some truth to spill. And that was a week later when he told me he’s not officially divorced. He said they’ve been separated and there’s no way they are getting back together after what his ex did. My heart sank. I tried to hold back the tears until I was on the car on my way home. I knew right there and then that I had to stop seeing him. But my stubborn self said, “You’re just having fun.” I know that it was only a matter of time that what we have will end. I just wasn’t expecting that kind of ending though. Damn! I can’t even write about that part without shedding a tear.