019: The First, he’s gone too soon.

I recently got a message from a stranger asking for help to find the family of a guy I met few years ago, J. This guy was my first and I remember writing about in my 001 entry. I never hated him although I hated the feeling after I did it. As I said it felt empty because I knew he wasn’t meant to stay in my life. We remained friends on FB and chat from time to time.

In a very random circumstance, I was one of the two people who replied among the many people this stranger sent a message to. I was a bit hesitant to reply because I thought, what now? Has he gone crazy and became a criminal? But I looked up the institution that the stranger said he represent and it was a mortuary. I got a bit worried and asked why. And the man said J died and that he’s trying to look for his family to know what to do with the corpse. I felt numb. I couldn’t believe it. What if it’s another scam? I wished it was just another scam! But it’s a scam I couldn’t possible ignore because at the back of my mind what if it wasn’t?

I shared to the guy some contacts of who I thought was his family, but he said they haven’t responded. I did send them a message as well to confirm. I also sent a message to J hoping he’ll reply and say he’s alive and kicking! But no response. I tried to ignore and thought of it again as a scam but my mind just couldn’t be at peace with it. I went to J’s profile and found his friend’s post and I messaged him. Luckily he replied. He did not get the message from the guy but said he’ll try to check with his family. I connected him with the guy too and there the guy shared info of the institution, a screenshot of the news about the incident that led to J’s death. Another day passed and were finally able to get in contact with J’s mom. I did not even know what to say. We were both hoping that the guy was not telling the truth.

When she was able to talk with the guy, she told me that it appears to be for real. My heart sank. What I was having a hard time to accept was that J died of suicide. People in the comments of the news are saying he might be on drugs or whatever but I just can’t believe it. Right now I feel really sad about it. I wanted to ask his mom what are they gonna do but I don’t think I’m in a position to ask. Ugh, I can’t.

He once sent me this message. “Hey, since we both fly pretty often and life can be short, I just want to tell you… since I’m not sure if I did or not… that I think you are a beautiful person and I had a great time with you… I hope you take opportunities for new experience and have a great time in your life, and that we meet again one day.” I know we can never be lovers but I did hope we meet again as friends.

I don’t know if this is my life’s purpose on his, help him get to his family, but I’ll always remember J as my first. May he rest in peace. 😔