003: The guy friend

I find it a bit strange.  I was reading my previous entries when I come across “the nights with him” post.  I talked about the guy I met in Siargao, which eventually, now, I no longer have contact with. He blocked me, for reasons I don’t even know, when I just greeted him on his birthday. My message was just a plain simple “Happy Birthday”. It was even thanks to Facebook notification that I get to know it was his birthday.  So yeah, the next thing I did was unfollowed him on Instagram.  It doesn’t make any sense to continue be in contact with those kind of persons.  So again, going back to why I feel a bit strange.

When I was in that island, I was actually staying in the same room with a guy friend. He rented the room for a month so I asked if I could stay with him and just pay him half the daily rent, and he was fine with it.  This guy friend, let’s call him Tom.  I met him from another trip and we actually spent two nights together, had some you-know-what moments when I was still living the no sex rule.  So when I went to the island, for the first four nights, we still did the same things.  We tried, but still I said no when we were so close to doing it.  But one afternoon, things suddenly changed.  We were sitting by the beach, enjoying our beer and we talked about life.  Even talked about that night when we were making out and didn’t realize there was a CCTV camera, then we laughed about it.  Some more funny realizations on the things we did together.  I don’t know, but I felt like we suddenly become honest about each other.  And he ended up telling me “You know what, you just become good friend right now.  And I can no longer imagine doing those things with you because it would be like f*cking a good friend.” I actually did not expect him to say that.  But I felt he was sincere about it.  Call that ‘friend-zone’!

I knew right then that there was nothing special between us.  I wasn’t even hoping for it anyway.  So when we go to a party together I tell him that I won’t mind if he’s going to be with another girl.  I tell him that I’d be fine alone.  But it was only after that trip, when I was already back in the city, when my friends tease me that there might be a future for me and Tom, when I realized that he never left me alone when we go out together (except for that night when he went to a birthday party and I was left alone in our room).  I realized that every time he notices that I am drunk, he will always pull me back and bring me home. When I’m around, he will only dance with me unless I push him away to dance with other girls. And with him around, I just feel comfortable. And when I look at him, I see a friend. Because how can I like someone when I know he likes someone else?

So where is this post going?  Why am I saying this things about him now?  Why do I even think about him and curious on what’s going on with him?  Because among all the guys I met on my crazy days, he was actually one who became my friend. And when he told me that he was coming back to PH and will stay here for 3 months, I got excited.  And that excitement was pulled back 6-feet under when he said that he want to go back in that island.  He wants to be with someone, a girl he met after I left.  I’m not sure if you can imagine how I’m feeling right now, but I was bit caught off-guard on his reason for coming back.  He could have just said that he wanted to surf and that he loved the island.  But he’s coming back for a girl.

That why I feel a bit strange.  Am I jealous?  He’s just a friend but… I don’t know what else to say.  Please help me understand.  *deep sigh*