002: Random

If you’ve met me few months ago, you would know that I am totally a different person as I am today.  Strange or I might just be overthinking.

In the middle of last year, I have finally decided to open up my heart, meet people and everything else that I haven’t thought of doing before.  I was always open to my friends that I really want to end up with a foreign guy.  Well, aside from the cute mixed babies, I just thought that their culture could handle my personality in the way I want it. That’s my preference.  And since then, I’ve only been attracted to foreign guys.  And I realized, as I was trying understand their culture, I started to lose mine. It’s like I’m torn between the modern world and older ways.  The conservative and liberated.  My perspective towards certain things changed, but I don’t want it to change me completely.

In my last post, I talked about losing my virginity to someone I don’t even care about and I just met him.  I know it was crazy.  My close friends were worried sick when they knew about it but then said that life must go on.  Indeed.  I thought that when I lose it, it will make me feel less as a woman. Somehow, at first, I thought I lost it all.  That I no longer matter.  My first don’t even believe me that he’s my first. And the next guy I’ll meet will probably just want the same thing.

When some of my friends talks about sex like it’s just buying stuff at the mall, I try to just laugh at it.  Pretend that I’m with them on it.  But I’m not.  I’m not into hook ups and one night stands, but it seems that I’m going to that direction.  And it’s the thing I would want to stop as early as now.  I want to stop looking at it as a fun thing as what my friends see it. I know this entry is nonsense.  I just want to clear my mind.

At times, I feel lonely and I can’t even explain why.