001: Lost it

I lost it.  I lost my game.

If you have read one of my previous post, I said that I have my limitations when it comes to sex.  That even at the last minute, I could still say no. But eventually, I lost to one guy.  That feeling of losing something you’ve kept for the longest time.  Something that you think adds value to you, all gone.  And sadly, I lost it to a guy, whom I know from the very start, will never stay.  That guy who just ignores me now.  Like I no longer exist.

Right now, I don’t understand how I feel.  I’m no longer a teenager and I’ve always been the type who accepts facts than dwell on something which will only cause me pain.  I am completely responsible for my actions, as how I am completely responsible on how I feel. But I can’t help myself from feeling sad. Disappointed. Irresponsible.  I know I can’t bring back what I lost but I can always go back to who I really am.

I realized that for wanting to understand so much of a different culture, I was already drifting away from who I used to be.  I started playing with fire and now it hit me.  I am confused. Empty.  Wanting to feel loved. Strong on the outside but slowly tearing apart on the inside.  The past days, I’ve been drinking and partying almost every night.  Trying to think that it is now something normal for me to do. Yes, it is so much fun. But I know that at the end of the day, I gained nothing.  Or rather instead of gaining something, I only lost something I used to value the most.

To be honest, I don’t know what to do.  I have already accepted the facts but I still feel sad.  I drink. I party. I meet people. I feel happy. And when I’m alone, I’m back to feeling empty. :'(