Too young to feel this damn old

I feel old. Not like, "Oh, I’m starting to get older and life is getting harder" kind of thing….no it’s more of a "Wow do I feel like I skipped 30 years of my life" kind of old. I think all of this stems from the fact that for the past several months I have just felt completely unattractive and more like a speck of dirt that needs to be wiped away.

I tried to convey this feeling to my boyfriend the other night right before he could tell me that he wanted sex, but he couldn’t grasp what I was trying to say to him. Instead he pulled out, "Oh babe, you’re sexy!" and then tried to maul me like that overused phrase of his is actually the winning ticket to make me beg for some of his 8-minute lovin’. haha ok…that was kind of mean but accurate to how I’m feeling right now.

I don’t know where I lost it. My self confidence has just been nonexistant since around February or March and it seems to be taking a very long vacation. I think a lot of it is due to the 15 pounds I gained during the most stressful points of our relationship when he was trying to graduate. That’s really when my emotions hit rock bottom and my figure/confidence with it. Now that the stress is barely starting to fade, he thinks that that’s the go-ahead for starting things back where they were in December and January when we were actually a happy smiling couple most of the time. BUT sadly…those 5-6 months did actually happen and I’m a girl….we can’t get over things that affect us emotionally that easy. Wish I could, but there’s just no way. So, I’m stuck with this body I hate, emotions I don’t know how to deal with, and a boyfriend who can’t understand why when I look in the mirror right now I just see someone who’s a shadow of what I used to be.

I think I’m just depressed right now. I’ve hit a slump, but rather than go through another round of explaining things to a boyfriend who’s oblivious to things outside of his world, I’m just going to be quiet this time and just try to find some inner peace. It’s been such a long time since I actually took an in depth look at myself and what I actually have to offer here.

Wow. what a bleak entry. I feel better though.

Inmate

August 10, 2007

Writing is the first step back to peace. Always. : ) I think you’re on the right track and you know where you want to go. You’ll find yourself again. I think that you’re feeling especially down not because of who (or what you look like) you are now but of who you think you USED to be. I’m sure things are NOT as bleak as you think they look. They usually aren’t- our views of ourselves seem to get distorted somewhere. Plus, maybe you just need a radical new haircut, too. : ) Peace and health-

Sometimes you just get down, ya know? But, really you are a very interesting person, and luckily, weight can be lost, just like it’s gained. Promise. Let yourself have a slump if you need to, then do something to get yourself out of it-go shopping, exercise, take a fun class, go dancing, read, whatever makes you feel worth while.